The Akatsuki RP of DOOM
by Skins Thunderbomb
Summary: Not really but, a fun RP with a crapload of humour, sexiness and fun. ItachiXKisame, DeidaraXSasori, KakuzuXHidan, ZetsuXZetsu, One sided TobiXZetsu and a heap of others. Enjoy! :D Plot differs from chapter to chapter
1. How Deidara learned about !

_**This story was spawned from a mindless comment about Itachi's sexual frustration in Crincklescoftrip's "LOOK AT ME!" (which can be found here on if you look it up) And so, we began an age long RP that only stopped when neither of us could be bothered to type any more. Hence it leaves the ending wide open, but nether the less, you will probably enjoy this oddity. **_

_**So yeah, warnings for OOC-ness, Random character appearances, organized crazyness, Sex scenes a-plenty, Mpreg and a slight touch of insanity. Oh, and Stressed!Itachi; better watch out for him.**_

_**Please be reminded that although I've edited this like crazy to turn it into something publish-able, it still has a couple of random revises and comments left in there so it can be read. Therefore, anything in brackets or in "**plain italics with "" at the start and end" **are** **comments or thoughts by us two authors. These were left there by me so you can understand what the hell we're crapping on about :P Even then, it's highly advised that you go read LOOK AT ME! For some parts, such as the beginning, for reference. **_

_**Enjoy!**_

Part 1: How Deidara learned about---!!

-Akatsuki base, main chamber: Itachi talking to Leader-sama about the killing of several civilians over jealousy (see LOOK AT ME!, Chapter 3)

Itachi: Kisame's fucked every half good-looking man in town but me and Orochimaru!  
Kisame: cough Um, actually...looks at Orochimaru guiltily

Itachi: O.O You ... you fucked ...  
Kisame: Um, now Itachi, please don't-  
Itachi: pounces with a snarl

_-revised-_

Leader-sama: Kisame, it seems that another one of your friends mysteriously set themselves on fire last night.  
Kisame: Yeah, and someone broke into my apartment and torched my address book.  
Itachi pointedly ignoring stares from shadow king and shark  
Kisame: You know what the weirdest thing is? It was BLACK fire.  
Leader-sama: Now, who do you know who uses a jutsu involving BLACK fire?

Itachi: stares right back  
Leader-sama: Itachi, have you been going around killing Kisame's friends?  
Itachi: ... and if I have?  
Leader-sama: ... Well, as long as it doesn't blow our cover.  
Kisame: B-but-!  
Itachi: kicks him  
Kisame: TT Okay, okay ...

Kisame: But now how am I going to get laid? TT  
Itachi: whistles innocently  
Kisame: So, Oro...you free tonight?  
Itachi: jaw drops behind Kisame's back   
Leader-sama: coughdipshit!cough

Itachi: eyes start spinning dangerously  
Leader-sama: Er, Itachi ...  
Kisame: backs away SLOWLY Itachi-what, I didn't do anything!  
Itachi: steps forward slowly, rolling up sleeves  
Leader: Remember, no killing your partners, Itachi.  
Itachi: Oh, I know EEEEEEVIL grin  
Kisame: very scared now Itachi, please, have mercy!  
Itachi: still grinning evilly Come with me drags him to their room

LATER THAT NIGHT!

bump, bump, bump...  
Deidara: What do you think they're doing in there?  
BUMP, BUMP, BUMP...  
Sasori: Something that you don't want to walk in on.  
Bump, Bump, CRASH!!  
Kisame: What was that?  
Itachi: Ignore it, ignore it! AHHharg!  
BUMP!!BUMP!!BUMP!!  
Deidara: 0.o is scared

Deidara: ...The bumps have stopped.  
Sasori: They're probably worn out now.  
Deidara: clueless Worn out?  
Sasori: Don't go near Itachi tomorrow.  
Deidara: still innocently clueless Why not?  
Sasori: He'll be sore, that's why.  
Deidara: O.O;; Okay, Sasori-danna ...

LATER, YET!

Itachi: OH GOD!!!  
Deidara: What was that?  
Sasori: Itachi probably just tried to stand up.  
Deidara: Un? turns to door  
Sasori: No, don't go in!  
Deidara: ITACHI! What happened? You look like you were mauled by bear  
insert sounds of kunai being thrown, someone falling down, and Itachi letting out another yelp of pain

Morning!

Kisame: Aaah, I think you scared Deidara.  
Itachi: lying on his stomach in bed and glaring at Kisame remove. him. now.  
Kisame: Takes Deidara back to Sasori You might want to keep him company.  
Sasori: I'm glad Itachi didn't kill him. takes the blonde  
Deidara: .  
Kisame: He tried.  
Back in Kisa and Ita's room  
Itachi: Owww ... rubs back and tries to rid himself of the pain I hope this gets better in time ...  
Kisame: I'm back!  
Itachi: Glares evilly Die.

"…_lol, perhaps after Itachi recovered from "deflowering" pains, and Deidara's nightmares began to disturb Sasori's sleeping hours, Leader--sama would make Itachi use his eyes to alert the memory to something more like this:"_

Sasori: Deidara, don't go in there  
Deidara: Oh my god!! cheerful  
Sasori: What?...cautious goes inside  
Deidara: You guys are...are...!  
Sasori: Playing laser tag in the middle of the night? .  
Deidara: WITHOUT US!  
Kisame: ; Um, we thought you would be asleep?  
Itachi: annoyed growl

Deidara: Can we play?  
Sasori: . ; I think I'm going to go back to bed.  
Deidara: Aww ... but Sasori-danna!  
Sasori: Come on! drags Dei-chan out  
Kisame: Phew ...  
Itachi: ... looks at Kisame ... jumps him  
Kisame: MPH!! smothered by a horny Uchiha

"…_Hence, Deidara's NEW memory of the next day:"_

Deidara: Wow, Itachi! You look like you were mauled by a BEAR! ( -Itachi didn't feel like replacing Deidara's earlier comments)  
Sasori: snicker Not a bear...  
Leader-sama: Alright, now everyone sit down for our meeting-  
Itachi: I can't sit down.  
Deidara: Why not?  
Sasori: Ignore him.  
Deidara: walks up behind Itachi  
Itachi: What are you-  
Deidara: pushes into chair  
Itachi: lands on arse RAWR!!!!!  
Sasori: I'd like to be assigned a new partner...--

Itachi: You'll need to be assigned a new partner NOW! leaps on Deidara  
Deidara: squeals like a girl as Itachi proceeds to maul him  
Everyone else stares  
Leader-sama: ...is it just me, or could this be mistaken for a woman's catfight?  
Kisame: No kiddin ... watches with amusement as Itachi bites Deidara's shoulder  
Sasori: I don't think Itachi wants to kill him, somehow ...  
Zetsu: ...Or he'd be dead.

insert sounds of ripping fabric  
Kisame:...am I the only one who finds this kind of...  
Itachi:pins Deidara  
Deidara:punch  
slap  
bite  
growl  
wreath  
Kisame:...hot?  
Sasori:...  
Leader-sama:...  
Zetsu/Tobi/Hidan/Kakuzu:...

Leader-sama: Well ... now I think on it ... :3  
Kisame: They could use some mud, though.  
Sasori: ... Grabs Deidara by the collar Alright, enough already.  
Zetsu/Tobi/Hidan/Kakuzu: ...  
Kisame: Grabs Itachi's arm Okay enough ...  
Itachi: snarls I'll kill him ...  
Deidara: Like you could evil smirk  
Itachi: breaks free, pounces Deidara with a snarl  
Deidara: squeals and screams for mercy

Leader-sama: Camera. NOW!  
Sasori: Orochimaru was the only one who knew how to work the video camera, Leader-sama.  
Leader-sama: ...damn.  
Kisame: pries Itachi away from straggling Deidara and walks back toward the Akatsuki bedrooms, trailing his weasel behind him  
Deidara:...Where are they going?   
Leader-sama: cough  
Sasori: sigh .  
Everyone else:...

Deidara: Come on! Someone tell me what's going on.  
Leader: ... Well Sasori? You're his partner.  
Sasori: sigh ... Deidara, come here.  
Deidara: scoots over  
Sasori: turns a tiny bit red and whispers in Dei-chan's ear  
Deidara: Entire face turns bright red SERIOUSLY?!  
Sasori: --; nods  
Deidara: But ... how can that WORK? I mean ...  
Sasori: I am NOT explaining.

Elsewhere:

Itachi: Don't tell me you're horny again.  
Kisame: It's your own fault pulls off Itachi's shirt  
Itachi: How so? Bites Kisame's ear  
Kisame: Nn .. that catfight was hot.  
Itachi: Hmm ... licks the shark's ear, and grins I guess I'll have to try and kill Deidara more often then ...

Kisame:pushes Itachi on bed  
Itachi: pulls him down with him  
caress  
bite  
nuzzle  
grind  
kiss  
Itachi: looks up from Kisame's neck freezes ...Deidara.  
Kisame: WHAT did you just call me?!  
Deidara: Un!  
Kisame: rolls over, stares...  
Itachi:...  
Kisame: Um, Deidara...why are you on our ceiling?  
Deidara: Danna say he didn't want to explain, so I'm finding out, un!  
Kisame: Explain what...?

Deidara: How two guys have sex! jumps down to the ground  
Kisame: Uuh ... ;; Didn't you take that class when you were 12 as a genin about 'The birds and the bees?'  
Itachi: hides face in pillow  
Deidara: shakes head I was already a jounin and doing lots of missions!  
Kisame: ;; ... okay ... hmmm ... gets up and goes to his draw  
Itachi: ...? removes face from pillow to watch  
Kisame: comes back with a book and hands it to Deidara That will tell you all you need to know.  
Deidara: Ooo! Thanks Kisame! runs off to read the book  
Kisame: sighs, looks back over at Itachi with a smirk Now, where were we?  
Itachi: motions for Kisame to come over, and when he does, grabs him by the collar Do me.  
Kisame: With pleasure ...

Meanwhile ...

Sasori: Deidara ... what is that?  
Deidara: Icha Icha Paradise, Yaoi version!  
Sasori: O.O!!!

Itachi: moans as Kisame presses him back onto the bed hands crawl under shark nin's shirt  
Kisame: teases Itachi's neck with teeth  
Knock, knock, knock...  
Kisame: What was that?  
Knock, knock...  
Itachi: pulling Kisame's head back down Nothing important.  
KNOCK, KNOCK, BAM!  
door flies off hinges  
Sasori: You gave Deidara porn?!?!

Kisame: looks over his shoulder, annoyed What's the big deal?  
Sasori: red in the face He-he'll --- want to talk about it -- with ME!  
Kisame: You're 45. I think you can handle it.  
Itachi: grumbling about the constant interruptions  
Sasori: growls You have no idea. You didn't NEED to explain sex to Itachi.  
Kisame: Then fuck Deidara. He'd understand quite easily that way.  
Sasori: turns a much deeper shade of red I. Will. Not.  
Kisame: Good. Now fix the door and leave us in peace.  
Sasori: glares deeply, slams the door  
Kisame: gets up, bolts it, seals it, then goes back to Itachi Now they won't get back in.  
Itachi: sighs good, now ... pulls Kisame back on top of him happily Get back to work ... nips his ear  
Kisame: chuckles and bites Itachi's neck lightly, indeed getting back 'to work'

Meanwhile:

Deidara: turning the page, wide eyed, reading with fascination.  
Sasori: comes back in, grumbling something about 'killing horny rabbits'  
Deidara: Sasori, this is truly fascinating!  
Sasori: freezes ...Ok.  
Deidara: happily goes back to reading  
Sasori: silently sighs in relief

enter Kakuzu walking down the corridor  
Deidara: Un!  
Kakuzu:...Deidara.  
Deidara: Can you answer something for me?  
Kakuzu: What's that?  
Deidara: What's lube?  
Kakuzu:...Ask Sasori.  
Deidara: I can't, un! Danna locked me out of our room!  
Kakuzu: Ah...I'm not touching this. keeps walking

Deidara: Waaaaiiiittt!! runs after Kakuzu  
Kakuzu: annoyed Deidara, I'm not answering. Sasori is your partner.  
Deidara: But he won't talk, un! waves arms in the air  
Kakuzu: ... sigh ... All you need to know, Deidara, is that lube makes ... it ... easier.  
Deidara: blink easier?  
Hears a cry from Kisa and Ita's room  
Kakuzu: For what the rabbits are doing. jerks his thumb in the direction of the cry and walks off  
Deidara: ... looks down the corridor, then at Kakuzu's retreating back ... Makes it easier, huh? ...

Later!

Sasori: looks warily at the blonde What?  
Deidara: very happy I found out what lube is!  
Sasori: Good.  
Deidara: It makes things easier! pulls out a bottle of lube Here! This is for your puppets!  
Sasori: ...

Next morning in the locker room:  
Itachi steps out of the shower to get dressed  
Sasori: thrusts out a container of ultra glide Here.  
Itachi: What is this?  
Sasori: Lube.  
Itachi:...  
Sasori: Deidara had it.  
Itachi: And why do I need it?  
Sasori: I'm not going to use it.  
Itachi: deadpan stare  
Sasori: And Kisame wouldn't stop laughing when I tried to give it to him.  
Itachi: ...where did Deidara get lube?  
Sasori: How would I know?! Now, are you going to take this or not?  
Itachi: Not. walks away  
Deidara: Hi, Itachi! Have you seen Sasori-danna?  
Itachi: Hn. gestures toward the locker room  
Deidara: Thanks! starts to walk away, stops Un, can I ask you a question?  
Itachi: Yes?  
Deidara: What are rings used for?  
Itachi:...Go find Sasori.

Elsewhere:  
Kisame: You look angry. You just ran into Sasori, didn't you?  
Itachi: Did you give Deidara lube?  
Kisame: laughing Nope.

Locker room:

Deidara: Sasori-danna!  
Sasori: freeze ... what?  
Deidara: What are rings, un?  
Sasori: Metal bands you put on your finger, you moron. You're WEARING one.  
Deidara: Nuh uh! The ones mentioned in my book, un! holds up Yaoi book  
Sasori: ... Okay, I am not answering anymore questions.  
Deidara: But Sasori-danna!  
Sasori: No buts about it! If you want to know so bad, go to the library and hire another book!  
Deidara: But ... I don't have a library card, un!  
Sasori: Here. hands him his (don't ask XD) Now get.  
Deidara: Thanks, Sasori-danna! takes off  
Sasori: ... walks off, hoping Deidara doesn't get into trouble

Elsewhere:

Itachi: So ... if you didn't give him lube ...  
Kisame: I think it's hilarious, the poor kid.  
Itachi: glares Then why don't YOU answer his questions?  
Kisame: Because that's his partner's job. After all pokes Itachi's nose cutely I believe I had to teach YOU a few things too, am I right?  
Itachi: flushes, then glares deeper That's irrelevant!  
Kisame: chuckles maybe, but the point is, the partner should teach the other, not someone else.  
Itachi: still pink Still, I wonder who gave Deidara lube ...  
Kisame: Probably Leader-sama. He probably found it highly amusing.  
Itachi: ... Leader is gay?  
Kisame: Nah, he just has that type of humour.

Itachi: Even so, Sasori isn't that patient.  
Kisame: snort Relax, I'd give this a few days maybe. Deidara's bound to run out of questions sooner or later.

At Lunch Later that Day:  
Deidara: Are you an uke?  
Itachi: 0.0  
Deidara: Itachi?  
Itachi: ...Where's Sasori?  
Deidara: Taking another shower, un!  
Kisame walks into the lunchroom  
Deidara: Are you an uke?  
Kisame: Hell no.  
Itachi: sends Kisame a LOOK over Deidara's shoulder  
Deidara: What does an uke DO, then?  
Kisame: Um...I think I forgot to turn off...something. hurries out of room  
Itachi: stomps after him  
A few minutes later, Kakuzu enters  
Deidara: Hey, Kakuzu, un!!  
Kakuzu: What?  
Deidara: Are YOU an uke?  
Kakuzu: Do the words "sexual harassment" make any impact on you, Deidara?  
Deidara: Un?  
Kakuzu: sigh I thought not...

Deidara: This book told me about it, but not much information holds up 'MaleXMale sex'  
Kakuzu: ...--; sighs Okay, Deidara?  
Deidara: Un?  
Kakuzu: Do you know how normal sex works?  
Deidara: Yeah, un.  
Kakuzu: Then uke is the girl and seme is the boy, okay?  
Deidara: So ... are you an uke?  
Kakuzu: NO!  
Deidara: Hmm ... ponders

In the halls:  
Deidara: Hidan!  
Hidan: Deidara? What's up?  
Deidara: Are you an uke?  
Hidan: Why, yes! And it's actually the better spot to be! You see, a guy's g-spot is located in the ass, so we get far more pleasure out of sex when we're in the uke position, you see? continues to babble on  
Deidara: listens with fascination

Later:

Deidara: excited Kisame!!  
Kisame: wary Yes?  
Deidara: Guess what?! Hidan told me everything! I learned about the g-spot and what lube is really used for and how being the uke is better because you get more pleasure in sex and all the different positions and...  
Kisame: backs away  
Itachi: walks in, hears Deidara carrying on, and glares  
Deidara: ITACHI! bounds up to him You ARE the uke aren't you? I don't know why you didn't admit it, since Hidan says its better and all!  
Itachi: ... turns to Kisame with a murderous stare I'm going to kill Hidan for his big mouth.

Later:  
Deidara: SASORI-DANNA!  
Sasori: Close the door behind you when you come in, Deidara.  
Deidara: Guess what Hidan told me!  
Sasori:...What HIDAN told you?  
Deidara: Yep! He says that being the uke is the most pleasurable position because then the g-spot gets hit, and Danna? Why's your face all red?  
Sasori: getting up I got to go see Hidan.  
leaves

In Kisame and Itachi's room:  
Kisame: Leave Hidan alone, he was only being friendly.  
Itachi: Sasori's going to skin him alive.  
Kisame: Don't worry about that. comes up behind Itachi and nips the side of his neck I'm sure there are other things you can be thinking of right now.  
Itachi: Don't try and distract me with sex right now. I know what you're doing...  
Kisame: kneads Itachi's hip with one hand, other hand slip into Itachi's shirt from the bottom Still nuzzling Itachi's neck  
Itachi: That's not going to work...lower...  
Kisame: smirk  
Deidara: KISAME!  
Itachi: glares Does anyone in this organization knock?  
Kisame: What is it, Deidara?  
Deidara: I need to talk to you about something, un.  
Kisame: Which is...?  
Deidara: Un...Why is Sasori so uncomfortable talking to me about my books?  
Kisame: Um... .

Hidan: humming to himself as he reads  
Sasori: storms up to the blonde HIDAN!!  
Hidan: jumps Why Sasori! glances at the other nin, noting his face is the colour of his hair Why's your face all red? You look like you've run around the cave ten times!  
Sasori: You---why did you tell Deidara all that stuff?!  
Hidan: Because he wanted to know, of course! And knowledge is important, as knowledge is power, and--  
Sasori: SHUTUP!! Gods, now he's talking to me about-- gay sex!!  
Hidan: But why are you so flustered, Sasori? Surely a grown man such as yourself can handle a little sex talk.  
Sasori: very red now ... I'm leaving now.  
Hidan: watches him go ... shrugs, goes back to his book

Ita and Kisa's room:  
Itachi: ... ponders that  
Kisame: Well ... hmm also ponders good question.  
Deidara: pouts It's upsetting, un! I wanna talk about my books! It's really fascinating, this subject!  
Kisame: Could it be ...? looks at his partner  
Itachi: looks back It's possible.  
Kisame: Deidara, I think Sasori's a virgin.  
Deidara: A virgin? Un, as in, never had sex?  
Itachi: nod  
Kisame: Which could be why he's so embarrassed.  
Deidara: But I don't want him to be, un!  
Itachi and Kisame look at each other, then nod  
Kisame: Well ... there's a way around that part too ...

In the Akatsuki Locker room:  
Sasori: stomps into the room, heading first towards his locker, then stopping and redirecting himself toward another Puts ear to the new locker and fiddles with the combination dial with the other until the door unlocks  
Zetsu: Sasori, what are you doing?  
Sasori: turning around quickly Nothing. . I didn't know you were in here.  
Zetsu: standing against green bathroom tiles Nobody does...  
Sasori: I see. Well  
Zetsu: You weren't breaking into Kisame's locker, were you?  
Sasori:looks at open locker, then back at the green shinobi ...yes.  
Zetsu: And you weren't doing so in hopes of finding a copy of Icha Icha Paradise, yoai addition, which Kisame only keeps in his bedroom, were you?  
Sasori: How do you know he only keeps it in his bedroom?  
Zetsu: serene stare  
Sasori: ...I gave Deidara my library card.  
Zetsu: You could go ask him to lend you his copy.  
Sasori: I'm not going to ask him! He'd tell Deidara!  
Zetsu: Oh. Is that bad?  
Sasori: YES!  
Zetsu: Why?

Elsewhere, in the Akatsuki Halls:  
Deidara: Daaaaana! Daaaaanna! Daaaan Oh, hi, Kakuzu!  
Kakuzu: grumbling as he comes out of his room Deidara, are you aware that it is almost most MIDNIGHT?  
Deidara: I haven't been able to find danna all day, un!  
Kakuzu: So you're yelling for him in the middle of the night?  
Deidara: Sasori likes night time, un!  
Kakuzu: -- Of course he does...  
Hidan: from inside their room Kakuzu, I'm ready!  
Kakuzu: 0.0...Gotta go. slams door  
Deidara: Un?

Sasori: starts to blush, AGAIN Be...cause ... Deidara ...  
Zetsu: ...Yes?  
Sasori: ... slams locker door shut and storms out  
Zetsu: watches him go ...  
Tobi: walks in Zetsu-san, was that Sasori just now?  
Zetsu: Yes, he seems to be fairly agitated.  
Tobi: Hmmm ... It could be due to Deidara going around finding out everything he can about gay sex.  
Zetsu: Makes me wonder why he would be so flustered on the subject.  
Tobi: shrug

Elsewhere:  
Deidara: looks at door for a moment, before shrugging and continuing to his room  
Sasori: looks up with a grumpy expression, anger having drained his energy  
Deidara: Danna! I've been looking all over for you, un!  
Sasori: sigh Have you now?  
Deidara: pouts Yes! I had to search everywhere! Even in the toilets!  
Sasori: M-Moron! Why would I be there?!  
Deidara: Because Danna hasn't wanted to be near me at all today pouts more  
Sasori: Sighs again If you haven't noticed yet, I don't like talking to you about ... THAT ... kind of thing ...  
Deidara: But why not!? I need to learn these kinds of things! Hidan says knowledge is power, after all.  
Sasori: Just shut up! I don't want to talk about it! glares and turns away  
Deidara: Hmm ... I guess Kisame and Itachi are right.  
Sasori: ...About WHAT, exactly.  
Deidara: You're a virgin!  
Sasori: O.O!!!! turns RED ...turns around SLOWLY I'm. A. What?  
Deidara: A virgin! That's why you're so embarrassed!  
Sasori: in his head 'HOW THE HELL DID THEY FIND OUT?!'

Sasori: I am not. blushing  
Deidara: reaches into his cloak and takes out a bright orange book, flips through the pages Un, what's the average length of a  
Sasori: You're QUIZZING me?  
Deidara: Yes, un. Now, what's the average length of a  
Sasori: I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT!

Elsewhere, Once Again in the Akatsuki Halls:  
Hidan: THERE! THERE! HARDER, KAKKY!  
Kakuzu: How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?  
Hidan: AHHHH!!!  
Kisame: exiting the bathroom and staring sidelong at the bedroom door ...God, I didn't want that mental image. --  
Itachi: from there own bedroom Did you say something?  
Kisame: No. starts walking, stops ...Zetsu?  
Zetsu: ...Yes?  
Kisame: Are you standing outside Hidan and Kakuzu's door?  
Zest: No.  
Kisame: No?  
Zetsu: I'm standing outside to Sasori and Deidara's door.  
Kisame: Oh...why?  
Sasori: inside the room I'M NOT ANSWERING THAT!  
Itachi: annoyed Are you coming?  
Kisame:...In a minute.

Deidara: But you've got to! Otherwise, you're a virgin!  
Sasori: flushed ...Okay already...  
Deidara: Un! goes back to book What's the average length of a penis?  
Sasori: 13cm.  
Deidara: You have high hopes, un.  
Sasori: bows head I give up already.  
Zetsu: phases though door So it's true.  
Deidara: Zetsu! What are you doing here, un?  
Zetsu: Confirming. phases out

In the halls:

Kisame: So?  
Zetsu: It's true.  
Kisame: Oh my god! Itachi! races into their room Sasori's a virgin!  
Itachi: O.O But he's 45!  
They look at each other  
Both run to Sas and Dei's room

Hidan and Kaku's room:

Kakuzu: There's a lot of activity outside  
Hidan: Nn ... looks up So what?  
Kakuzu: Merely noted it, maybe we should see what's going on?  
Hidan: Mmm, okay ... later .. falls asleep  
Kakuzu: blinks, then slowly gets up to get dressed, leaving Hidan to sleep

Sas & Dei's room:

Sasori: ...  
Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Kakuzu: stare  
Sasori: Stop staring at me.  
Kisame: I still can't believe it!  
Itachi: pats shoulder I sympathize with you, Sasori.  
Deidara: Poor Danna! No wonder he's so grumpy!  
Sasori: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Deidara: There's no need to get mad, danna, un.  
Sasori: What do you mean? Everyone we know is standing in our room gawking at me because my virginity has become public knowledge!  
Zetsu: That's not true. Leader-sama isn't here.  
Sasori: glare  
Kisame: Look, if you're so uncomfortable able it, why don't you just change it?  
Sasori: By doing what?  
Everyone: pointed look toward Deidara  
Deidara: clueless Un?  
Sasori: O.O No. NonoNO! Just because everyone here is nailing their partner to the nearest wall doesn't mean  
Zetsu: I don't have a partner.  
Kakuzu: I am NOT  
Hidan: heard through the wall Kakky? Where'd you go?  
Everyone: ...  
Kakuzu: leaving Oh, shut up. Distantly, after he's left the room Who many times have I told you not to call me Kakky?  
Sasori: Why don't you ALL leave now?   
Kisame: But we still haven't solved your  
Sasori: GO!  
Itachi and Kisame grudgingly leave  
Door closes  
Sasori: Finally...  
Deidara: Danna?  
Sasori: Yes?  
TACKLE

Sasori: lands on the ground Aaah! Deidara, what----!  
Zetsu: ….. phases though wall, not wanting to intrude

Deidara: leans up and nuzzles his ear Danna, can we ...?  
Sasori: Nnn leans away I ...  
Deidara: looks at him and strokes his hair C'mon, Sasori-danna, it'll be okay ...  
Sasori: blushes I ... don't need reassurance, thanks!  
Deidara: So can we? Pleeeeaaasee Danna?  
Sasori: ... looks up at his partner ... looks to the side ...  
Deidara: Sasori-danna?  
Sasori: ... if you call me Sasori.  
Deidara: big happy grin Okay, Sasori! kisses him  
Sasori: wraps arms around Deidara's neck and pulls him down

Kisa & Ita's room:

Kisame: laying on bed, pulls Itachi closer What do you think?  
Itachi: Mmm? sleepy, looks up about what?  
Kisame: Do you think Deidara will, as Sasori put it, 'nail him to a wall'?  
Itachi: Probably. Deidara is impulsive like that.  
Kisame: We'll probably hear them soon then snickers  
Itachi: glares I want to sleep.  
Kisame: Oooh? holds Itachi tight Then you better stop squirming if you do.  
Itachi: smirks, wiggles up and kisses him, breaking off a moment later In the morning. Curls up to sleep  
Kisame: smirks himself, pets Itachi's hair a little before going to sleep

Kaku & Hidan's room:

Hidan: Aw, Kakky, you're always so mean!  
Kakuzu: That's because you keep calling me absurd pet names.  
Hidan: gives him the puppy eyes of doom Please, Kakuzu, sleep next to me tonight ...  
Kakuzu: ... can't resist that look ... hops into bed with Hidan  
Hidan: Yay! curls up in Kaku's arms and falls asleep  
Kakuzu: Tch ... strokes the blonde's face (Thinking) 'As annoying as he is, he' has his good moments ...'

Zetsu's room:

Zetsu: sleeping  
Tobi: watches ... walks over Zetsu-san?  
Zetsu: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
Tobi: sits on the edge of his bed and watches all night

Later that Night:  
Hidan: sleepily stumbles into the hall and walks around drunkenly for a minute Kakky...? I can't find the bathroom!  
Kakuzu: still trying to sleep in their bedroom It's where it always is, Hidan.  
Hidan: But I can't find it!  
Sasori: Deidara...moan  
Hidan: And there's people moaning out here!  
Kakuzu: Fine! gets up and walks into the hallway Come on...  
Deidara: Un...again, Sasori?  
bump, bump, bump...  
Hidan: Do you hear something?  
Kakuzu: yawn Sasori and Deidara must still be up.  
Bump, bump, bump, bump...  
Hidan: Oh.  
Bump, Bump, Bump, Bump...  
Hidan: What do you think they're doing in there?  
Sasori: Ahh, harder!  
Kakuzu: looks at Hidan with sleep-deprived green eyes What are you, stupid?

Hidan: That's not nice! Finally finds the bathroom Thankyou, Kakuzu!  
Kakuzu: grumbles You're a pain in the neck ...  
Deidara: Nnn! Sasori!  
Bump, bump, BUMP, BUMP!  
Kakuzu: ...glares hurry up Hidan!  
Hidan: Nn ... stumbles back out Let's go back to sleep, Kakky ...  
Kakuzu: sigh Don't call me that. Grabs the blonde's arm and leads them back to their room

Sas & Dei's room:

Sasori: pant Deidara ...  
Deidara: lying on top of him Mmm?  
Sasori: You just nailed me to a wall ...  
Deidara: smirks Seems to be a custom here, un.  
Sasori: Heh ... is that the only reason ...?  
Deidara: No! Not at all, un!  
Sasori: Good ... otherwise I'd kill you right now.  
Deidara: smiles But next time, you do me.  
Sasori: But I thought Hidan said the bottom is the better spot? smirks  
Deidara: chuckles that's why I want it, un!

Next morning; Akatsuki kitchen:

Itachi: sips coffee So?  
Deidara: Biiiiiig grin Sasori is still sleeping!  
Kisame: I take it from that grin you were on top?  
Itachi: Gives him a LOOK  
Deidara: Yup, un!  
Kisame: Huh, that's something new.

Insert distant "Grrrrrr...!"  
Deidara: What's that, un?  
Itachi: Sasori.  
Deidara: Un?  
Kisame: sipping from Itachi's coffee cup That's normal.  
Sasori: trugs into the kitchen, sleepy ...coffeee..rrr...  
Deidara: Danna?  
Kisame: That's normal.  
Itachi: gives off another LOOK  
Deidara: But Sasori doesn't have a stomach.  
Sasori: walks out with his coffee  
Deidara: Is he mad?  
Kisame: No. Really, it's normal.  
Itachi: Is that supposed to mean something?  
Kisame: No! .  
Hidan from in the hall: Why, good morning, Sasori! How are you oh, uh, you're not supposed to drink coffee like that Where are you going? Sasori? HEY! enters kitchen Deidara, are you aware Sasori's pouring coffee in his ear in the hallway?  
Deidara: Un...  
Kisame: Still not that bad.

In the Bathroom:  
Zetsu: Sasori, are you alright?  
Sasori: yawn Showerrr...  
Tobi: to Zetsu I thought he'd be limping, or something.  
Zetsu: Maybe he was on top.  
Tobi: But I thought I heard  
Sasori: inside the shower stall I can still hear you!  
Tobi: Um...

In the Kitchen:

Itachi: subtly crushes Kisame's toe under the table  
Kisame: Ow! cringes  
Deidara: Are you alright, Kisame?  
Kisame: It's nothing ... takes a bite of his breakfast  
Itachi: Takes back his coffee cup with a glare at his partner  
Deidara: Say ... when did you lose your virginity, Itachi?  
Itachi: Spits coffee everywhere  
Kisame: chokes  
Hidan: Yes, I would like to know this myself!  
Deidara: Lets start with you, Hidan!  
Hidan: Me? if it was possible, he would be sparkling Oh, I lost mine to my best friend at my village. A kunotichi (cant spell XD) that was in the same year as me. Was quite glorious, but I like both sexes, so Kakuzu was my first male partner.  
Deidara: Aww, that's cute!  
Kisame: Despite himself What about you, Deidara?  
Deidara: shrugs some random at my village, nothing special. Turned out she was a spy from another village, so I ended up killing her. It was just for experience, un. But I didn't know how guys did it so I never tried it until last night, un.  
Hidan: And you, Kisame?

In the bathroom:  
Sasori: Walks out of shower, refreshed Nnn ... stretches  
Tobi: I think he was on the bottom ...?  
Zetsu: Never mind. Let's go.  
Tobi: Okay, Zetsu-san! follows his master  
Sasori: Comes back into the kitchen What are you guys talking about?  
Deidara: When everyone lost their virginity!  
Sasori: Hmm evil grin, possibly the scariest we've ever seen I'd like to hear this, considering everyone knows AGAINST MY WILL how I lost mine.

SOME Time Later:

Kisame: ...and then after we were done, we decided that it would be better if we just all kept in touch as friends.  
Deidara: O.O ALL of you?  
Kisame: Yep.  
Sasori: Kisame, how old were you?  
Kisame: Huh...you know, I don't remember.  
Itachi: growl Slut.  
Kisame: What? How old were YOU when you started having sex? takes another bite of his breakfast  
Itachi:...seventeen.  
Kisame: chokes WHAT?!  
Itachi:   
Kisame: But you! And, you knew how to sputter gestures wildly with fingers to illustrate point  
Itachi: stares at Kisame with his sharingan  
Deidara: Un? to Sasori What's going on?  
Sasori: Itachi was a virgin when he started sleeping with Kisame.  
Zetsu: enters kitchen with Tobi Are we playing charades? (can't spell neither :P)  
Deidara: Kisame's having a spazz, un!  
Zetsu: Oh, I see.

Kisame: Is slightly purple in the cheeks D-damn! I had no idea!  
Itachi: pink in the face Is it REALLY that big of a deal?  
Kisame: To me it is! Holy gods... hides face in hands  
Deidara: But that is so sweet! Itachi lost his virginity to his partner  
Sasori:  
Zetsu: It IS sweet, I think.  
Tobi: inwardly blushing, since he's still a virgin himself ( --- CRACK RIGHT HERE!) But, didn't you have a crush on Kisame, Itachi?  
Kisame: O.O!! What's that?!  
Itachi: O.O Locks Tobi in the Mangekyou Sharingan  
Tobi: on the floor .  
Kisame: turns to his partner Is he telling the truth, Itachi?  
Itachi: ... no comment. glares around the table  
Hidan: That's so lovely! Why, I remember the night I first had sex with Kakuzu ...  
Kakuzu: O.O!  
Hidan: I must admit to starting it, since Kakuzu really has a lovely face under his mask--  
Kakuzu: hand over Hidan's big mouth Shutup or I'll never have sex with you again.  
Sasori: Why is it everyone here has either lost it to their partner or had sex with them at some point?  
Kisame: recovered enough to talk Well you know what happens when you spend a long time alone with someone ... tension builds and hormones go insane on ya.  
Itachi: turns pink again, but stays silent

Elsewhere:

Leader-sama: watches from his Video Camera no jutsu (the one I made up in my comic) I wonder what they're all talking about ...

Inside the Mangekyou:  
Itachi: beating Tobi with a copy of Icha Icha Paradise DON'TTELL! DON'TTELL! DON'T TELL, YOU OVER GROWN MASKED BOY SCOUT!  
Tobi: O...k...

Outside the Mangekyou:  
Tobi: twitch  
Zetsu: Is he going to be alright?  
Itachi: sipping coffee He'll be fine.  
Deidara: So Zetsu, how about you, un?  
Zetsu: What about me?  
Deidara: When did you start having sex?  
Zetsu: I'm asexual.  
Deidara: Un?  
Sasori: It means someone who can reproduce without sexual contact. Plants are considered asexual.  
Tobi: is unconscious  
Kisame: So you haven't  
Zetsu: Don't need to.  
Kisame: But if you wanted to  
Zetsu: I suppose.  
Sasori: inwardly "HA! I'm not the last virgin in the organization!"  
Tobi: twitches  
Kisame: Itachi, do you think you should...let him go now?  
Itachi: Hm.

Kisame: Come on, I want to know about him too.  
Itachi: Inward sigh fine. Releases Tobi  
Tobi: AAAAHHHH!! OKAY ITACHI!!! I WON'T!!!!  
Everyone except Itachi: O.O!!  
Kisame: ... turns to his partner ...What did you do to him?  
Itachi: glares Punished him.  
Kisame: Anyway, goes back to Zetsu you can't tell me you've never wanted to do it with another ... well, human.  
Zetsu: I've never really thought about it.  
Hidan: That's ... really interesting, you know? Oh Zetsu, you MUST tell me more about yourself sometime!  
Zetsu: blinks ...Okay.  
Kakuzu: annoyed Hidan, we have missions to do.  
Hidan: Grins Oh, I shouldn't be long!  
(Him and Zetsu leave to talk)  
Kakuzu: grumbles about irresponsible partners under his breath  
Sasori: So, what about you, Kakuzu?  
Kakuzu: ...What?  
Deidara: When did you lose it?  
Kakuzu: O.O ... um ...

Hidan: calling from the other room He lost it to an older woman in his village when he was a chuunin!cheerfully helpful  
Kakuzu: Hidan!  
Kisame: How much older?  
Kakuzu: ...  
Hidan: again from the other room Five years!  
Kakuzu: HIDAN!  
Deidara: How does he know that, un?  
Hidan: finally walks back into the room Well, it was early in our partnership, right after Kakuzu lost his bingo book Not really, of course, I threw it away when he wasn't looking...  
Kakuzu: grumbles because shouting apparently does not work to put Hidan off  
Deidara: Who was your first man, un?  
Hidan: Well you see, after I took the book away, we went out to drink and Kakuzu took off his mask, and then I  
Kakuzu: I don't think anyone wants to hear this.  
Kisame: I do.  
Deidara: Me too, un!  
Tobi: ...Where's Zetsu?

Itachi: to Tobi He's gone somewhere.  
Hidan: He went to sun himself outside!  
Tobi: Oh ... Ow. rubs head  
Kisame: So anyway, Hidan?  
Hidan: Yes! It was then that I just wanted to grab him and kiss him till his lips bruised! And then-  
Kakuzu: Hidan!!  
Hidan: covers his mouth -we were both running up to our room in this hotel, and the next thing I know, I'm on my back and we're making out  
Kakuzu: what can see of his face is bright red MMPH!!  
Itachi: (thinking) Why does that remind me of Kisame and myself?  
Kisame: Huh, that's cute. I don't know why you're so embarrassed about that, Kakuzu.  
Kakuzu: breaks free of Hidan's hold BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW!!  
Deidara: But isn't it good that we're being so open?  
Kakuzu: palms face Just. Shut. Up.  
Hidan: So Kisame, what about you and Itachi?  
Kisame: Well ... looks at Itachi  
Itachi: ...glares

Kisame: cough Well, you see, it started a few months ago when one of my off duty friends  
Itachi: snorts at the word "friends"  
Kisame: seemed to have been brutally slaughtered in the back room of this bar he worked at. And then a few weeks later, another one was found twitching and screaming in a dumpster outside their apartment. And then after THAT, one set themselves on fire  
Itachi: looks at the far wall silently  
Deidara: Your friends are clumsy, un.  
Sasori: gives Deidara an "Are you stupid?" look  
Kisame: Uh...yeah. So anyway, I was talking to Leader-sama one day, and out of nowhere Itachi grabbed me and started dragging me to our room! Then the second he closed the door, he just tackled me head-on. I thought he was going to kill me until I realized that if he was planning on overpowering me, he really didn't need to be rubbing against me like that.  
Itachi: ...  
Sasori: So, who's left?  
Deidara: Tobi.  
Everyone: expectant stare  
Tobi: Hehehehe, um...

Elsewhere:  
Leader-sama: ...really need to install sound on this thing. --

Kisame: Well, spill it, Tobi!  
Itachi: watches  
Hidan: Yeah, I wanna know!  
Kakuzu: Hmm ...  
Tobi: Well ... I ... mumbles I'm still a virgin.  
Sasori: (thinking) YES! I'm still not the last one!  
Itachi: Really?  
Kisame: Wow, the last one huh?  
Hidan: Aww! Now you and Zetsu can lose it together!  
Everyone: stares at Hidan  
Hidan: Well ... just an idea!  
Deidara: I agree! Lets set them up, un!  
Sasori: Oh god no ...  
Tobi: W-Well red in the face I don't know if Zetsu-san would approve of that-  
Hidan & Deidara: Who cares! The both grab Tobi  
Tobi: W-wait!! Aaah! Please-! They drag him out  
Remaining watch him go  
Kisame: Well ... this is going to be interesting ...  
Itachi: shakes head

Elsewhere:  
Leader-sama: watches with amusement Oh lord, what are they doing to Tobi now? sighs and stands I better go and see what they're all up to ... walks off

Outside:  
Deidara: Now where is he, un?  
Hidan: I left him right around here...Oh, there he is!  
Tobi: embarrassed groan  
Deidara: Zetsu! Over here! Heywhat happened to you, un?  
Zetsu: messed up hair and clothing, white side of his face slightly flushed I'm fine.  
Hidan: Right...  
Tobi: tries to jerk away  
Hidan: tightens his hold Anyway, what do you think of Tobi?  
Zetsu: I like Tobi.  
Deidara: How would you like to nail him to the wall, un?  
Tobi: GROAN  
Zetsu: Can't.  
Deidara: Why not?  
Zetsu: I did it.  
Deidara: Did what?  
Zetsu: ...  
Hidan: You DID it?  
Zetsu: Yes.  
Hidan: O.O  
Deidara: Un?  
Leader-sama: walks outside Alright, what are you doing to Tobi?  
Hidan: ZETSU'S GOING TO HAVE A BABY!  
Tobi: OO...  
Deidara: OO...Just what were you talking to him about earlier, un?

Hidan: I asked Zetsu if it was possible to impregnate himself at any time, and he said yes, so I asked him if he would do it, and he said "...why not?" and now he has!   
Deidara: O.O ... woah, dude, how does that WORK?!  
Leader-sama: Zetsu ... is that true?  
Zetsu: Yes.  
Leader: ...scary stuff.  
Tobi: Oh god ...  
Leader: sighs I guess I better place an order ... walks back inside with the others following  
Hidan: Order for what?  
Leader: Baby stuff.  
Zetsu: ...

Back to Kitchen:

Kakuzu: I hope my idiot of a partner is not doing anything stupid.  
Kisame: Probably so.  
Kakuzu: groan I hate Hidan ...  
Sasori: What is it about us, having idiots as partners?  
Kakuzu: I guess we were lucky glares at Kisame in jealousy  
Kisame: smirks Yep, I guess you were glances at his partner and smirks more  
Itachi: What? glare  
Kisame: Aaanyway, I think it's time Itachi and I take our leave.  
Sasori: Where are you going?  
Kisame: Heh, it's our day off, and I plan on making it worthwhile. stands  
Itachi: stands also hn. Follows his partner  
Sasori: Damn though, Kisame really is a lucky bastard.  
Kakuzu: You're telling me. Hidan's pretty and everything, but he's damn annoying sometimes.  
Sasori: Ditto to Deidara.

A Few Minutes Later:  
Kakuzu: You're pregnant.  
Zetsu: Yes.  
Kakuzu: And you're male.  
Zetsu: Yes.  
Kakuzu: ...HOW?  
Zetsu: I'm asexual.  
Kakuzu: No, HOW? How did you...get point A to point B?  
Hidan: Stop pestering him, Kakky!  
Deidara: side whisper to Zetsu Seriously, though, un, is everything...normal, un?  
Zetsu:...  
Tobi: Don't ask Zetsu questions like that! I'm sure that everything about Zetsu-san is perfectly! stops when he catches Zetsu's eye  
Deidara: insert knowing "Uuuun"

In Kisa and Ita's Room:  
Kisame: So leading Itachi to bed what was Tobi trying to say earlier?  
Itachi: Nothing. .  
Kisame: nibbles Itachi's earlobe You send someone into the Mangekyou for "nothing"?  
Itachi: Mm-hm Pulls away from shark nin and kisses him to stop the questions  
Kisame: breaks away I'm asking again later, you know.  
Itachi: straddles Of course you are.

Zetsu: ...It's complicated.  
Deidara: I'm sure it would be, un.  
Kakuzu: Okay, we have an art freak, a puppet, a religious nut, a psychotic nut, a shark, an overgrown boy scout, a shadow king and NOW a pregnant asexual plant?! Could this organisation get any stranger?!  
Deidara: We had a snake, too! Un   
Hidan: I'm not a nut ...TT  
Kakuzu: That's not the point ...  
Zetsu: Children from my bloodline grow fast, so you know.  
Sasori: Oh lord ...  
Hidan: Well, this will be an interesting 9 months!

Kisa and Ita's room:

Kisame: Hmmm? looks up at his partner Want to go out later?  
Itachi: So I can watch you get drunk?  
Kisame: pulls Itachi down and sucks on his ear So we can BOTH get drunk ...  
Itachi: squirms a little Hn, we'll see about me getting drunk ... but alright, later. Shoves Kisame's shoulders and kisses him  
Kisame: Breaks away after a bit, hands happily groping Itachi's ass I still can't believe you were a virgin before this happened ...  
Itachi: Nnn ... bites Kisame's ear So what if I was?  
Kisame: smirks Now I feel privileged.  
Itachi: Good. tugs at his shirt and tosses it on the floor, doing the same with Kisame's  
Kisame: smirks Keep that up and I'll just rip your pants off ...  
Itachi: grinds hips Go ahead ...


	2. Sex, Blood and Booze and Akatsuki way o

Part 2: Sex, Blood and Booze; and Akatsuki way of life

Later on:

Deidara: Un, we should go out to celebrate!  
Hidan: Good idea!  
Kakuzu: And where do you plan to do that?  
Deidara and Hidan: look questioningly at each other  
Kisame: walks into the room Hey, Deidara, I was looking for you. Do you think that I could barrow a pair of pants?  
Deidara: blink Un...I don't think they'd fit you.  
Kisame: Oh, they're not for me. You see, with Itachi...well, something uh, happened to his. .  
Deidara: Un?  
Kisame: So, can he borrow a pair from you until laundry day?  
Kakuzu: I thought you had plans for today.  
Kisame: We decided to go into town.  
Hidan: to Kakuzu That's were we'll go!

After Everyone Leaves:  
Leader-sama: Okay, I ordered a crib to come around next week, and Zetsu's got a doctor appointment next...Where did everyone go?

Kakuzu: B-but!  
Hidan: pushing him out Come on, lets get our coats!  
Kakuzu: Okay, stop pushing me! grumbles

Deidara: Here, tosses Kisame the pants What happened to his, un?  
Kisame: ...they suddenly tore in two ...  
Deidara: Un?  
Sasori: Never mind Deidara.  
Kisame: Thanks walks away

Later on:

Hidan: Okay, lets go to the pub!  
(Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame, Itachi and Deidara take off)  
Sasori: ...I refuse to go. I refuse to go ... keeps muttering this as he walks back inside

In the Pub:  
Kakuzu: Are you sure it's a good idea to celebrate a comrade getting pregnant by going to a PUB?  
Deidara: Yeah, un!  
Kisame: Me and Itachi were coming here anyway Wait, WHAT?  
Deidara: Hidan's having a baby, un!   
Kisame: How?  
Kakuzu: I already asked. -- It's no use.  
Hidan: Wherever did Itachi run off too?  
Kisame: looks around He must have gone to order already. I'll go find him. walks away  
Deidara: Now what should we do, un?  
Hidan: Drink ourselves silly, of course! To the bar!  
Deidara and Hidan drag Kakuzu off to the bar

Later:  
Jiraya: Kisame? Is that you?  
Kisame: Jiraya! How have you been? I haven't seen you in months!  
Jiraya: holding sake cup in the air Out doing research. Wanna buy me a drink?  
Kisame: Love to, but I'm supposed to be looking for somebody...  
Jiraya: Are they over eighteen?  
Kisame:...close.  
Jiraya: Then he'll be fine! Sit, sit!

Elsewhere:  
Tobi: Zetsu-san, where do you think the others are?  
Zetsu: Probably somewhere nearby.  
Tobi: How did we get separated again?  
Zetsu: I wanted Chinese. holding up an arm  
Tobi: Um...do you think it was a good idea to attack that delivery boy?  
Zetsu: Yes

Hidan: Sake, please!  
Deidara: For me too, un!  
Kakuzu: ...for me too ...  
They get their drinks  
Deidara: Here's to oblivion!  
Hidan: Kampai! taps glass against glass  
Kakuzu: ... drinks anyway

Kisame: sits down and orders a couple of drinks So, what else is new?  
Jiraya: I'm thinking of heading over to a few bathhouses up north of here.  
Kisame: Nice. I'm just enjoying my day off. drinks  
Jiraya: So how are things for you?  
Kisame: One of my comrades have gotten themselves pregnant.  
Jiraya: O.O! How did THAT happen?!  
Kisame: Don't ask --;  
Jiraya: Thats fine, now lets drink to oblivion!  
Kisame: Indeed!

Elsewhere:  
Tobi: Okay, if you say so.  
Zetsu: Lets get some more food.  
Tobi: O-okay, Zetsu-san O.O

Many Delivery Boys Later:  
Zetsu: I think I ate too much...  
Tobi: Huh? Zetsu, are you okay?  
Zetsu: burp Yes. I'm just a little...dizzy...  
Tobi: Maybe you should sit down WHOA! Hey! hurries to catch Zetsu when he starts to fall over  
Zetsu: ...whoa.  
Tobi: Um...there's a bench right over here, I think. Just step over the pizza boy there. sits down with Zetsu  
Zetsu: still leaning on Tobi Is it hot out?  
Tobi: Um, yeah, maybe it is a little warm. But that last one smelled a little funny, are you sure you're okay? pause Zetsu-san?  
Zetsu: Hmm...zzzzz  
Tobi: o.o

At the Pub:  
Hidan: Chug, Deidara, chug, chug, chug!  
Deidara: is repeatedly leaning over table to pick up shot glasses in his mouth while doing the same with both hands  
Kakuzu: Who's paying for all this again?  
Hidan: Aw, don't worry about it, Kak-E! hiccup  
Kakuzu: And how many have YOU had?  
Hidan: You're no fun.  
Deidara: lol, I can't see my toes!  
Kakuzu: That's because there's a table there, Deidara. mumbles Lord help me...  
Hidan: What's this? Were you praying to some kind of lord? reaches into cloak and removes his trusty holy book  
Kakuzu: No, Hidan, you're drunk, we're in public, don't start this here!  
Hidan: You're never too drunk for the true faith! waves book in the air madly  
Other Drinkers: stare

In Another Part of the Pub:  
Kisame: And then he asks me, "Are you an uke?"  
Jiraya: laughs What happened after that?  
Kisame: He found Hidan, he's another work friend, and Hidan tells him EVERYTHING, so when he talks to Sasori  
Jiraya: Hang on for a second. I need a refill. waves glass in the air and calls for a waitress  
Kisame: I think everyone's over at the bar.  
Jiraya: drunken blink turns around Yeah, some loon's standing on the counter over there yelling about religion and bloodshed.  
Kisame: snicker  
Jiraya: Ooooh! Hel-lo!  
Kisame: What is it?  
Jiraya: Hottie at the bar just looked this way.

Tobi: awkwardly puts Zetsu into bed Zetsu-san?  
Zetsu: zzzzzzzzz ...  
Tobi: Wow, he's already this affected by pregnancy? I don't know how I'm going to deal with this ...  
Zetsu: Mngh ...rolls over  
Tobi: sigh Oh well ... heads to bed

At the pub:  
Deidara: starts singing No one loves you and you know it so get the drinks and drink them down!  
Hidan: By the name of the god I worship, that is not the lyrics to the song!  
Kakuzu: ...What song is it?  
Hidan: Green Day's Platypus (I hate you), and it goes: 'No one loves you and you know it don't pretend that you enjoy it!'  
Kakuzu: I wished you didn't love me and I WOULD enjoy that.  
Hidan: not listening AND NOW EVERYONE!! I SHALL PREACH TO YOU THE ALMIGHTY WAYS OF THE GODS WHO WORSHIP DEATH!!!  
Deidara: YEAH YEAH!!! Gets up and dances on the stool

In another part of the pub:  
Kisame: whistles Woah, that's a hottie alright ...  
Jiraya: Whooo, you're telling me! I wonder what she's doing in some place like this?  
Kisame: Hmmm ... hic looking for a man?  
Jiraya: Could be, but either way, she's wearing a pretty dress ...  
Kisame: I think it's a cloak.  
Jiraya: Nah, I'm telling you, it's a dress!  
Kisame: Does it matter? If her legs are as pretty as her face, I'll just rip the clothes off!  
Jiraya: I'll agree to that ...

Itachi: (thinking) Who is the idiot that Kisame is talking to- suddenly hits him shit, drunk!Kisame is NOT good around other men! This calls for some kind of action ... but what should I do ...

At the Pub:  
Jiraya: Is it just me, or does she keep looking back at us?  
Kisame: Think she's interested?  
Jiraya:hiccup You and me? ;)  
Kisame: pause...Aw, man. She's all yours.  
Jiraya: ...?  
Kisame: I'm kind of seeing someone.  
Jiraya: Since WHEN?  
Kisame: Last couple of days, but  
Jiraya: Loyalty isn't needed until the first week anniversary. And I think that girl IS looking at you!  
Kisame: I'm still not sure  
Jiraya: Come on! How often does something like THAT comes around to Kisame's side of the table and pulls a handheld mirror of his pocket so they can stare at the "cat" check you out first?

Across the Room:  
Itachi: (thinking) Are they HUGGING?! I have to get over there...  
Waitress: Miss? OH!er...trails off when Itachi turns around and she notices Itachi s not a "Miss" Um...This drink is from the table over there. points towards Jiraya and Kisame  
Itachi: taking it What...? glare They're still hugging. takes a sip Miss, did she say...?

At the pub:  
Kisame: I guess that part is true. stares in the mirror and notices that the girl is definitely looking at him  
Jiraya: Whoooo! It's been so long before I got some proper eye candy! grabs sketch book Come on Kisame, get her over here!  
Kisame: I don't think there's any need for that ...  
Jiraya: What's that? looks back Woah, she's coming over here!  
Kisame: Daaaamn look at those boobs!  
Jiraya: You lucky sonofabitch ...

Across the room:  
Itachi: looks over 'herself' critically not bad ...smirks evilly Now lets see what exactly my partner thinks he's doing ...

Kisame: Hang on a minute ... takes a closer look at the 'cat' She looks familiar...  
Jiraya: What, you KNOW her?!  
Kisame: I dunno ...

Deidara: "Your rise and fall, back up against the wall  
What goes around is coming back and haunting you  
It's time to quit 'cause you ain't worth the shit  
Under my shoes or the piss on the ground, HIC!"  
Hidan: bops head to Deidara's singing, prayer books forgotten for the moment  
Kakuzu: sigh ...  
Bartender: You may as well get drunk so you can join them.  
Kakuzu: glare ... fine starts to chug a bottle of straight whiskey  
Deidara & Hidan: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Half and Hour Later:  
Hidan: back to preaching on top of the bar No, no! Everyone listen to me!  
Lady Sitting Down the Bar: I'll convert if you're the priest, cutie.   
Hidan: No, this religion doesn't have priests  
Another Lady: Spank me father, for I have sinned!  
Hidan: You're enthusiasm for punishment is good, but I think you're still not on it  
First Lady: I'd kneel down to pray to THAT! pointing at Hidan Take it off, baby!  
Hidan: Um...KAKUZU! Drunken women are hitting on me! ...Kakuzu?  
Kakuzu: surrounded by his own circle of people who are all chanting "chug, chug, chug!"  
Deidara: jumps up on bar I'll strip for you! hic

At the Other End of the Bar:  
Jiraya: So you say you're just passing through town?  
Itachi: Yes. barely looking at Jiraya  
Jiraya: And you're a travelling supermodel?  
Itachi: scooting closer to Kisame That's right.  
Kisame: raises eyebrow  
Jiraya: And you're on your way to a nymphomaniac convention?  
Itachi: Uh-huh. smiles suggestively toward Kisame  
Jiraya: Damn...I think I love you.  
Itachi: frowns and finally turns to Jiraya Is that man over there stripping on the counter?  
Jiraya: head turns around OH MY! XD Excuse me. gets up and runs off toward when Deidara is twirling his cloak in the air above his head  
Itachi: So...tell me more about you.  
Kisame: Well for starters...if you're going to grab my knee under the table, I'd appreciate it if you grabbed JUST my knee... blush

In the Bar:  
Ladies: (chanting) strip! Strip! Strip!  
Deidara: Come on Hidan! Let's both do it! takes off his shirt slowly and tantalisingly  
Hidan: Oh, alright! takes off his cloak to reveal his bare chest  
Wolf whistles from crowd  
Deidara: Kyaa, they love us, Hidan! shakes his ass  
Hidan: grins Yeah, they do! Kakuzu, look, the ladies love us!  
Kakuzu: now drunk Mmm that's a good show ... I love you too Hidan.

Other end of the bar:  
Itachi: pouts Hmmm ... cheeky smile I mean more about you ...  
Kisame: Well ...I'm just a normal guy, but I'm kind of seeing someone at the moment ...  
Itachi: Ooh? But she won't mind, would she ...? leans closer  
Kisame: without thinking It's a he, and he would definitely mind, I can assure you.  
Itachi: whispers in ear good answer, Kisame ...  
Kisame: Hey, wait ... catches a glimpse of red in the others eyes ITACHI?!  
Itachi: Mhm ... presses his nice chest against Kisame's Now, what do you say to a few more drinks?  
Kisame: Uh, well, um ... blush looks down at his partner with the female body and gulps Alright ...  
Itachi: smirk good ... orders a bottle of sake

Later:

Itachi: We need another sake bottle.  
Kisame: I think you're starting to get tipsy.  
Itachi: face slightly red What do you mean? You've had more to drink than I have!  
Kisame: I also out weigh you.  
Itachi: cuddling Aw, are you worried about me?  
Kisame: ...and that's proof that you're drunk. looks down at Itachi's pout Okay, let me call the waiter.

Meanwhile:  
Deidara: tossing his shirt into the crowd Un, This is fun, Hidan! ...Un, Hidan?  
Hidan: has slid off the counter and is sitting on Kakuzu's lap  
Deidara: Un. Looks like I'm a solo dancer now.  
Jiraya: Don't stop, honey! Keep going! waves frantically from the crowd  
Deidara: O.o

Kisame: receives another bottle and pours a cup, taking a sip Itachi, why did you change yourself into a woman?  
Itachi: I felt like it smiles seductively Anyway, THESE have a nice affect presses boobs into Kisame's chest  
Kisame: blush Uh, sure, if you say so!  
Itachi: smirks and takes some sake, drowning it in one gulp Besides, it's kind of interesting.  
Kisame: I'm sure it would be holds Itachi against him with one arm You're going to fall off my lap the way you're carrying on.  
Itachi: I'm sure you'd catch a LADY, huh, Kisame?  
Kisame: chuckles I'm sure I would, Ita-chan.

Meanwhile:  
Deidara: now down to pants only Okay, funs over!  
Jiraya: runs over Hey, could I buy you a drink?  
Deidara: drapes cloak over self Okay, if you want   
Jiraya: Awesome! sits on stool Bar-tender! Some sake please!  
Deidara: Thanks!

Hidan: Deidara has a friend!  
Kakuzu: Good, he can have more fun.  
Hidan: Ne, Kakuzu, if I turned into a girl, would you like me more?  
Kakuzu: spits out sake What?! No! You're fine the way you are!  
Hidan: Awwww!! hugs and kisses Kakuzu Thankyou Kakky!  
Kakuzu: grins and kisses back

CRASH!  
Kisame: I told you you were going to fall.  
Itachi: rubbing back You were supposed to catch me.  
Kisame: I didn't know you were going to fall. ; Are you hurt?  
Itachi: sitting on his knees under the table No...blinks and leans onto Kisame's knee for support  
Kisame: deep swallow Maybe you should get up?  
Itachi: Why? tilts head onto Kisame's lap  
Kisame: (thinking) Must not look down...in public... .

Farther Away:  
Hidan: Can you see straight?  
Kakuzu: Barely.  
Hidan: smirk Are you thinking of the same thing I am?  
Kakuzu: Depends... pulls Hidan against him  
Hidan: Crawls back onto Kakuzu's lap  
Kakuzu: nuzzles his shoulder  
Hidan: purrs  
Waitress: 00 ...um, gentlemen? GENTLEMEN! Please, not all of our patrons are...are open minded!  
Hidan: hiss Homophobes. Let's kill them!  
Kakuzu: still nuzzling Not tonight. Why don't we just pick this up back at the base?  
Hidan: sulk Okay...where's Deidara?

Elsewhere:  
Deidara: You're an artist, un?  
Jiraya: Sure, sure!  
Deidara: Un, what kind?  
Jiraya: I...uh...draw people. And write about them.  
Deidara: I blow things up!   
waitress brings their drinks  
Deidara: Un, it's about time! sticks a stray in his glass and begins sucking on it with his hand  
Jiraya: O.O W-WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR HAND!?!

Itachi: pouts I like it right nuzzles Kisame's thigh...here.  
Kisame: tenses up (thinking) I must control myself. I must not take Itachi out into the back room and fuck the life out of him. I must control myself ... (out loud) C'mon, up ya get ...  
Itachi: grumbles I don't wanna ...  
Kisame: ... sighs and bends down, picking Itachi up easily and pulling him back into his lap Now stay there.  
Itachi: I was comfortable! Kisaaaammmeee ... whines while giving the shark puppy eyes  
Kisame: O.O ... (thinking) Itachi is drunk. He looks adorable at the moment, but I will NOT take advantage of him. (out loud) I'll get you another drink if you stay still.  
Itachi: squirms and glares I wanna go somewhere else ...  
Kisame: GULP Where else?  
Itachi: smirks evilly You'll see, Ki-san ...

Farther Away:  
Kakuzu: There he is, I think. Blondey talking with a someone with silver hair.  
Hidan: What a copycat! Let's go and get him.  
Kakuzu: Hang on ... let's watch for a moment.  
Hidan: But Kakky! pouts  
Kakuzu: You won't regret it, trust me.  
Hidan: If you say so ...

Elsewhere:  
Deidara: waves hands mouths. the mouth licks its lips  
Jiraya: holds nose at the VERY perverted ideas that go though his mind Uh ... do you mind if I draw you, uh...  
Deidara: Dei-chan!  
Jiraya: Aaah! Dei-chan, right! gets out sketchbook So how did you get those mouths in your hands?  
Deidara: Bloodline limit grins I use them to create weapons.  
Jiraya: Do you use them for anything else?  
Deidara: Getting drunker quicker? feeds more of his drink to his right hand  
Jiraya: sketching fast Amazing ability!

Kakuzu: watching Jiraya and Deidara Hey...wait a minute.  
Hidan: What?  
Kakuzu: evil grinning under his mask Nothing. You just wait here for a minute.  
Hidan: ...?  
Kakuzu: gets up to talk to the bartender for a minute  
Hidan: What were you doing? You didn't bring back any more sake!  
Kakuzu: I just told him that Deidara was picking up our bill. He's already seen us with Deidara earlier.  
Hidan: But...Deidara doesn't have any money on him!  
Kakuzu: I know. But that old man he's with is loading him up with drinks. If we leave now, he might get stuck paying for us too. :)  
Hidan: Your billing a total stranger for our night, and leaving Deidara behind on the off chance that he'll be  
Kakuzu: Too interested in other things to notice. Now get your cloak, before they look this way.

A Few Minutes Later:  
Kisame: Um...Itachi? We didn't pay  
Itachi: The others well cover it. smirk Are you stalling?  
Kisame: sputter No, of course not!  
Itachi: presses up against shark and nibbles ear Good, because I'm not feeling very patient tonight.  
Kisame: starts to pull Itachi closer looks up Deidara?  
Itachi: Who? turns around Oh... scowl for ruining moment  
Deidara: Hi, un!  
Kisame: Deidara, what are you doing? Where's everyone else?  
Deidara: I don't know, un! I'm on my way to a bathhouse!  
Kisame: At this time of night?  
Deidara: It was my new friend's idea, un! He said he wanted to draw me in more "flattering attire." pause What's that, un?  
Kisame: ...Does Sasori know your going?  
Deidara: No, un. confused  
Itachi: Who are you going with?  
Deidara: His name's Jiraya, un! He's inside paying.  
Kisame: O.O Deidara?  
Deidara: Un?  
Kisame: ...Maybe you shouldn't go to the bathhouse with him. I don't think you understand  
Itachi: impatient Kisame, I'm sure he'll be fine.  
Kisame: dubious look...

Hidan: puts on cloak and runs off with Kakuzu  
Kakuzu: (outside pub) phew.  
Hidan: Ne, where are you going to take me?  
Kakuzu: Please don't tempt me ...  
Hidan: Aww ... I thought you were going to take me somewhere nice.  
Kakuzu: Oh, I will evil grin  
Hidan: Yay! cuddles his partner

The Pub:  
Kisame: I'm telling you, Jiraya is a known pervert! He'll jump Deidara as soon as he's down to his towel!  
Itachi: Deidara can take care of himself though. He's the same rank as us, and an Akatsuki member. That's enough.  
Kisame: sigh Yeah, but-  
Itachi: pins him with a glare He'll be FINE.  
Kisame: Okay okay ... now ... looks his FEmale partner up and down You had to pick one with big boobs didn't you?  
Itachi: What? cups one and rubs it slightly you like it?  
Kisame: gulps Y-Yes, I do.  
Itachi: smirks and comes up to the shark and rubs against him Wanna see them without clothes?  
Kisame: starts to grin Would love to ...  
(both head to a back room)

Elsewhere:

Deidara: Wow! This is a nice bathhouse!  
Jiraya: I'm glad you like Now, lets get changed ...  
Deidara: Un!  
Deidara: Un, I can't believe this place is still open!  
Jiraya: ;) It's always open for me.  
Deidara: Un?  
Jiraya: Never mind.  
Deidara: Okay. So where should I sit?  
Jiraya: taking out sketch pad again Wherever you feel comfortably.  
Deidara: Okay! takes off towel and gets into the water  
Jiraya: Don't know what Tsunade's problem is. I love these Akatsuki people...

In the Back Room of the Bar:  
Itachi: tapping a waitress on the shoulder Excuse me, we're looking for your broom closet.  
Waitress: Certainly, it's right over...pause, looks over female!Itachi and his big boobs, raises eyebrow suspiciously Wait. Why do you need our broom closet?  
Itachi: unabashed I want to go have impatient thrill sex with my boyfriend in it.  
Waitress: 0.0  
Itachi: So, where is it?  
Waitress: I think that's against our policy. And the law.  
Itachi: activates sharingan Last chance.  
Waitress: Sir, did your EYES just change color AHHH! AHH!!!! NO! STOP! AHHHH!!! collapses on floor and spills drinks from her tray all over herself  
other people stare  
Itachi: when she's done screaming Broom closet?  
Waitress: Be...behind the bar... o.o  
Itachi: Thank you. grabs Kisame by the hand and tugs him along as they go behind the bar  
Kisame: Remind me to comment on that later.

Meanwhile, at the Base:  
Tobi: So, um...what's it like being in the akatsuki?   
Sasori: blank, you're-really-asking-me-that? stare  
Knock, knock, knock  
Sasori: That must be the others. I'll get it. walks down to the main entrance and begins to undo the locks  
From behind the door: Sassy? Is that you?  
Sasori: freezes  
From behind the door: Sassy, be a good boy and open the door for Grandma! She's got a lot of things to carry. Sassy-chan?!  
Sasori: 0.0  
Inwardly: WTF?

Bathhouse:  
Deidara: blinks Who is Tsunade, un?  
Jiraya: Oh, just a friend of mine.  
Deidara: Oh lounges in bath  
Jiraya: finishes sketch Okay, could you move into a different pose for me?  
Deidara: Sure! turns around and leans against the bathtub and looks over his shoulder This good?  
Jiraya: Perfect! sketches more

Broom Closet:  
Itachi: Pulls Kisame inside  
Kisame: shuts door with a smirk You know, I never imagined you'd ever want to do it in a broom closet.  
Itachi: tosses cloak aside and works on Kisame's There's a lot of things you don't know about me ...  
Kisame: Well ... takes off Itachi's shirt, whistling at the unusual site of his boobs I never would've imagined you turning yourself into a woman either ...  
Itachi: hisses and takes off Kisame's top Shut up and fuck me senseless, now.  
Kisame: pulls him close with a growl Brace yourself then, Ita-chan. I'm not gentle on ladies.  
Itachi: evil grin good ...

At the Base:  
Tobi: Sasori, who is that?  
Sasori: ...My Grandmother ...  
Tobi: You have a grandmother?  
Sasori: Unfortunately.  
From behind the door: Sassy-chan, please! I know you're in there!  
Tobi: What should we do?  
Sasori: Uh ...   
knock knock knock  
Leader-sama comes over Sasori, who is that?  
Sasori: ...A relative.  
Leader-sama: Send them away. You know the rules.  
Tobi: She's being very insistent.  
Leader-sama: Well, I'M being very insistent on sending her away  
Sasori: awkward ...

Bathhouse:  
Jiraya: That's great! Now how about a few poses out of the water? ;)  
Deidara: Un, okay. starts to get out Un...where's my towel?  
Jiraya: innocent look What towel?  
Deidara: looks at the place right next to Jiraya where he left it I could have sworn I left it...  
Jiraya: Oh, it must have disappeared. Don't worry, we'll call for some to bring in a new. In the meantime...

At the Base:  
Sasori: Um... steps closer to the door Grandma?...GO. AWAY.  
From Behind the Door: Is that anyway to speak to your grandma? Who loved, and cared for you, and used to clean the spittle off your chin when you were a baby, and told all the other neighbourhood kids that it was perfectly natural for a young boy to play with dolls?! I said open this door, now open it!  
Sasori: Grandma, it's not allowed for you to visit  
Grandma: Nonsense!  
Sasori: Grandma...  
Leader-sama: to the door Look, you can't stay here  
Grandma: Don't you start, you shadowy windbag! Respect your elders!  
Leader-sama: 'Windbag'oo ...Sasori, your grandmother is NOT staying here...  
Sasori: I don't think she's giving us a choice. --

At the Bar, Outside the Back Room:  
from inside the broom closet:  
shuffle  
"What's that?"  
pause  
"You never got the academy course in"  
"Ooh..."  
moan  
chuckle  
more shuffling  
zipper sound  
"You don't need to...?"  
snicker "  
"Girl don't need to use that..."  
"Oh--Ahhh!"  
sound of things falling down  
People outside: Are they...?  
Bump, bump, bump...!  
People: Yep. --;  
"There, there!"  
Bump, Bump, Bump...!  
insert sound of more broom closet supplies falling down  
moan "Yes, there...pant There...harder, harder!! YES!"  
POUND,POUND, POUND.  
snicker "Were you this loud when you were a man?"  
People: O.O

At the Bathhouse:

Deidara: Well, alright, un. sits on edge of bath with legs crossed over  
Jiraya: Wow, you have a lovely body, Dei-chan!  
Deidara: grins thanks, I train a lot  
Jiraya: I can see that sketches  
(waitress comes over with a towel, which Deidara takes)  
Deidara: That's better puts towel over lap  
Jiraya: (thinking) Aaah! Lost the best view ...

At the Base:  
Leader-sama: Che. How annoying! I have a lot to organise as well ...  
Grandma: Sasori, open this door NOW!  
Leader-sama: Just ignore her and she'll go away. walks off  
Sasori: ... sighs I should have gone out with the others, honestly.  
walks off  
(the next day)  
Leader-sama: (viewing from video camera no jutsu) The ... the hell is this?!  
(sees a camp set up RIGHT outside the base)  
Leader-sama: SASORI!!!!

Broom closet:  
"Ngh!!! AAAAAAAHHH!"  
People: back away and then run  
"K-KISAME!"  
"Ngh, Itachi-gods-! Aaah!!"

Inside:  
Itachi: panting heavily, leans against Kisame's body Gods ...  
Kisame: holds 'her' in place with a smirk you okay?  
Itachi: The female ... body ... sure has ... some amazing points ... ngh ...  
Kisame: chuckles I bet. pets Itachi's back wanna stay that way a little longer?  
Itachi: growls you like me better this way?  
Kisame: Oh no, but it was a lovely treat ... kisses 'her' forehead lets get a room.  
Itachi: Okay ... in a min ... ute ... rests tiredly against Kisame's shoulder

In the Bathhouse:  
Jiraya: Now if I can get a closer prospective. scoots up beside Deidara  
Deidara: Un. backs away a little Okay. Do you really have to be that close to draw, un?  
Jiraya: Who said anything about drawing?  
Deidara: doesn't get it

Outside the Bar:  
Itachi: leaning on Kisame as they walk down the street Were the people in there giving me dirty looks when we left?  
Kisame: I think they were more likely giving US dirty looks. We went exactly quiet. And I think that the people who ordered those drinks that that one waitress spilled had to pay for them anyway.  
Itachi: looking at his reflection instead of listening Hmm, maybe I made the breasts too big.  
Kisame: What?! No!  
Itachi: All the other girls think I'm a slut and they're jealous of me. hic  
Kisame: Oh...forgot you were still drunk.  
Itachi: Do you think I'm pretty?

Meanwhile:  
Sasori: standing on one side of the door Grandma?  
Grandma: yelling from the other Are you here to let me in?  
Sasori: No, Grandma, you need to go back home.  
Grandma: Is that any way to treat  
Sasori: GRANDMA!  
Grandma: grumble I raised you better than that...  
Sasori: Grandma, go home. You'll attract attention to our lair.  
Grandma: What are you talking about? I'm just an ignorable old lady, who NO ONE comes to visit on holidays, or stops in to see when checking up on their secret spies  
Sasori: Granny, I'm a missing nin! I can't visit you!  
Grandma: You could if you tried.  
Sasori: You'd turn me in!  
Grandma: If you're half the big strong ninja you and your little friends say you are, then you'd get away.  
Sasori: But then, why would I WANT to visit  
Grandma: Stop trying to defend yourself!

Jiraya: Come on, how about we get started ...?  
Deidara: Un ... blinks What are you talking about?  
Jiraya: Don't you understand?  
Deidara: shakes head I'm gonna go home now, un. stands up  
Jiraya: Aah No! Don't go now!  
Deidara: walks out anyway with a vague Bye bye, artist-san!  
Jiraya: bows head sigh

In the Streets:  
Kisame: You're gorgeous, Itachi. Now leave the boobs, they're nice as they are.  
Itachi: But everyone thinks I'm a total slut.  
Kisame: Don't worry about them. Just worry about what you think.  
Itachi: content sigh, leans closer to Kisame Okay, as long as you like them ...  
Kisame: smirks Very much so. Ah! comes across an inn Let's go inside.  
Itachi: Mmkay ... hic  
Kisame: (thinking) I have no idea how I'm going to take care of him in the morning.

At the Base:  
Sasori: But-  
Grandma: NO BUTS! You shall make an effort to visit or I shall spend all day out there too!  
Sasori: Okay, so if I promise to visit, will you go away?  
Grandma: If you absolutely promise to, yes!  
Leader-sama: Promise her, now! glare  
Sasori: sigh  
Tobi: You'd better (and I'm not little)  
Sasori: Fine. I promise I'll visit sometime, grandma!  
Grandma: Good. Come over tomorrow or I shall return!  
Sasori: TOMORROW?!  
Grandma: Yes, tomorrow. Goodbye until then! leaves  
Leader-sama: ...  
Tobi: ...  
Sasori: ... HOW DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS MESS?!?!

On the Way Back from the Bathhouse:  
Deidara: Un...that was weird. fishes around in his cloak pocket, stops, checks another pocket... GASP!  
Other Passer-by on the Street: Something wrong, dear?  
Deidara: I lost my book!  
Passer-by: Your book?  
Deidara: Un, the one that Kisame gave me that showed me how to DO THINGS, and show me what rings were, and made me ask Hidan about!  
Passer-by: doesn't know any of those names Um...maybe you can buy another one?  
Deidara: frantically ruffling through his cloak But I used SASORI'S library card!  
Passer-by: pause Let me walk you home. You can buy another book to replace it at the library tomorrow.  
Deidara: sniffs defeat He'll be mad though...  
Passer-by: tugging him along There, there. We'll talk about it on the way...

MANY Weeks Later:  
Kisame: browsing through the adult section of a book store far, far away, picks up a new copy of Icha Icha Paradise and reads the back summery about a, "tri-mouth, angelic maiden who bravely guarded her chastity against the suave advances of a charming, travelling rogue."  
Itachi: coming up behind him You're not going to buy that filth, are you?  
Kisame: Of course not. . . I was just...thinking that the picture looked a little familiar, that's all.  
Itachi: looks at it suspiciously ...It does sort of look familiar...  
Kisame: Can't put a name on it, though.  
Itachi: Maybe we killed them on a mission?  
Kisame: No, that's not it...shrug All well, we've got a mission to do, let's go.  
they leave

At the Base, in Present Time:  
Deidara: Sasori, I'm home! knocks on the door Open up!  
Sasori: I'm coming, I'm coming...opens the door 0.0  
Deidara: Un, on the way home I ran into this really nice old lady! She says she knows you!  
Sasori: stare Gr...Grandma?! What are you! You just left!  
Deidara: Un?  
Grandma: Well, this kind you lady was just kind enough to offer to let me stay with her for a few nights. Purely by coincidence. You can't expect an old lady like me to travel without resting first, can you?  
Sasori: ... turns around, runs inside the base LEADER-SAMA!!

At Base:  
Leader-sama: What is it now, Sasori- O.O! stares  
Grandma: Oh, so you're the old fart who runs this place. Give me back my grandson!  
Leader-sama: glares ... Sasori, I am going to kill her if you do not remove her, NOW.  
Sasori: Grandma, do you want to die?  
Grandma: Of course not-  
Sasori & Leader-sama: THEN GO AWAY!!!!  
(Grandma once again gets thrown out a minute later)  
Deidara: You know, that wasn't very nice, un.  
Sasori & Leader-sama: Shut. Up.


	3. Pregnancy is a bitch

Part 3 – Pregnancy is a bitch

_Time skip – 2 months later_

Zetsu's Room:  
Zetsu: pokes the small mound that is his belly Hmm...  
Tobi: Zetsu-san? You've been in the bathroom for almost 10 minutes. Are you okay?  
Zetsu: I'm fine. walks out But my stomach is getting bigger ...  
Tobi: Let me see.  
Zetsu pulls up his shirt to expose his belly  
Tobi: Wow, that's amazing ... I still wonder how you did this.  
Zetsu: serene stare  
Tobi: ;; uh, never mind

Kisa and Ita's room:  
renching sound from bathroom  
Itachi: groans as he wipes his mouth This is ... not normal ... stands up and looks at himself in the mirror, pale and sweaty ...I look disgusting. washes face  
Kisame wonders in Hey, feeling better?  
Itachi: No. I wish I knew what this was ... looks at feet ...what the ...  
Kisame: Itachi?  
Itachi: runs hand over belly My stomach ...  
Kisame: stares, then eyes go wide Your stomach is getting bigger, but the rest of your body isn't ...  
Itachi: What does that mean?  
Kisame: shakes head No, it's not possible ...!  
Itachi: annoyed WHAT is not possible?  
Kisame: turns pale Itachi ... I think ... you're pregnant.  
(Long silence)  
Itachi: ...  
"WWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
Outside base, the trees shake

Sasori & Deidara's Room:  
POUND POUND POUND!  
Sasori: groggily answers door Kisame, do you know what time it is?  
Kisame: Yeah, it's early. We think Itachi's pregnant; can you examine him for us?  
Sasori: Wha...? sleepily looks at Kisame and Itachi, standing next to him I'm not a doctor, I'm puppeteer.  
Kisame: Close enough! Scoot. pushes his way in anyway  
Deidara: on his own bed Danna...? What's going on?  
Itachi: sitting down on Sasori's empty bed Kisame thinks I'm pregnant.  
Deidara: But you're a guy  
Itachi: pulls shirt over his head  
Deidara: O.o Un...  
Sasori: stares at the unusually round belly How did you?  
Itachi: glares  
Deidara: You're not asexual too, are you?  
Itachi: Do I look like plant to you?  
Sasori: coming closer to the bed That definitely LOOKS pregnant, but I still don't see how you could have gotten that way.  
Kisame: Um...cough suppose someone used a certain jutsu to uh, "change" things?  
Sasori: You used a jutsu to get PREGNANT?  
Kisame: Not to get pregnant! It was just to...um, well...you know.  
Deidara: I thought you were gay, un.  
Kisame: Of course not! I'm bi.  
Deidara: Is there a difference? You dating a  
Itachi: There's a difference.

Next Door:  
Hidan: hurries into his room Kakuzu!  
Kakuzu: still trying to sleep Yes, Hidan?  
Hidan: I think they're having pyjama party in Sasori and Deidara's room!  
Kakuzu: That's nice, Hidan.  
Hidan: Let's go join in!  
Kakuzu: No.  
Hidan: You're no fun. What are you going to do when there's a baby running around and he wants to play?  
Kakuzu: Lock the door?  
Hidan: This is exactly why you can never have children! You'd make a neglectful, angry father!  
Kakuzu: snore  
Hidan: huff, goes back into the hallway

Sas & Dei's room:  
Deidara: But what kind of difference? I mean-  
Sasori: Deidara, I'll tell you later. Right now can we focus on this.  
Deidara: Alright comes over to the bed too woah ...  
Sasori: I'm going to have to touch you, okay? looks up at Itachi  
Itachi: nods  
Sasori: touches the bulge, then the area around it with a frown. Finally stands up again There's no doubt about it. You're definitely pregnant, as crazy as it is.  
Kisame: Woah ...  
Itachi: So ... in 7 months ...  
Sasori: Yup.  
Itachi: And I'll be ...  
Sasori: Yup.  
Kisame: And I'll be ...  
Deidara: Yup!  
(Itachi and Kisame look at each other)

Outside room:  
Hidan: I wonder what they're all doing.  
(Hears a loud shout)  
Hidan: O.O! What's going on here? walks inside  
(Itachi is passed out on the bed and Kisame is trying to wake him up with Deidara and Sasori watching)  
Hidan: What's going on here?  
Sasori: Itachi is pregnant.  
Hidan: ITACHI is?! But he's a-  
Dei & Sas: We know.  
Hidan: So then how did he-  
Dei & Sas: Who knows?  
Kisame: Aah ... he turned himself into a girl and then ... turns a little purple  
Hidan: Awww! He did that for you? How sweet!  
Kisame: Don't mention it to him if you value your life, Hidan.  
Hidan: Er, right then.  
Itachi: .  
Sasori: You should probably tell Leader-sama about this.  
Kisame: still sitting on the bed with an unconscious Itachi on his lap Yeah, probably...Think I should wait until Itachi wakes up?  
Itachi: ...  
Sasori: That wouldn't be a good idea.  
Kisame: sigh, looks at partner's stomach  
Deidara: We'll keep an eye on him, un!  
Kisame: Okay, thanks. gets up, leaves  
Hidan: comes to sit beside Deidara on his bed You know what this means, right?  
Deidara: What?  
Hidan: BABY SHOWERS!  
Deidara: YEAH!  
Kakuzu: in his room, rolling over in his sleep Fruits...

In the Leader's Office:  
Leader: So, Zetsu, how's the baby coming along?  
Zetsu: idly rubbing his baby bump Good.  
Leader: Good, do you know if it's a boy or a girl yet?  
Zetsu: I think it's too early for that, sir.  
Leader: Right. Well...what about kicking?  
Zetsu: Too early, sir.  
Leader: Oh. pause  
Zetsu: idle expression  
Leader:...  
Zetsu:...  
Leader:...can I touch it?  
Zetsu: Sure. lifts his shirt and let's the Leader walk over and began rubbing his stomach  
Leader: still rubbing Have you thought about what you're going to do about the baby when you're on missions?  
Zetsu: Not really  
Knock, Knock, Knock!  
Leader: Yes?  
Kisame: walks into the office Sir, I think there's something me and Itachi should... pauses and stares at Zetsu's still raised shirt and the Leader's hand still stroking the mound Um...should I come back later?  
Leader: ...um.

Sas & Dei's room:  
Hidan: whisper wanna go wake up Kakuzu and tell him the news?  
Deidara: Okay, after you explain bi-sexual to me, un.  
Hidan: sits in his 'teacher' pose Basically, a bi-sexual person is someone who is attracted to both sexes. They are different from Heterosexual and Homosexual in that they don't act much different from heterosexual people, except they also don't mind the company of their own gender. Most ninja are bi, like most of the people here.  
Deidara: Why is that, un?  
Hidan: shrugs who knows?  
Deidara: un. Now, let's wake up Kakuzu!  
Hidan: Hang on, what about Itachi?  
(both glance at the bed, where Itachi is still passed out)  
Deidara: I guess we better look after him or Kisame will kill us.  
Hidan: sighs and sits on the bed next to Itachi's feet I guess so.  
Deidara: looks over Itachi's body and then the small mound at his stomach this is so weird ...  
Hidan: Yeah ...  
Itachi: grumbles in his unconscious state Mnh ... Kisame ...

Leader-sama's office:  
Zetsu: No, it is fine. lets shirt fall down over his belly again  
Leader: stands up What's wrong with Itachi and you?  
Kisame: Well ... the thing is ... awkward  
Leader: Yes?  
Kisame: I know this is unbelievable, but Itachi's pregnant.  
(long slience)  
Leader: ...The hell?! How the heck is THAT possible?!  
Kisame: Well, you see ... about two months ago Itachi turned himself into a woman and ... well yeah.  
Leader: Yes I get it. Still ... how can Itachi remain pregnant now that he's back to normal?  
Zetsu: If he became pregnant within 24 hours, the body probably reacted and hence, why he is still pregnant now.  
Leader: turns to him and there's no way to reverse it?  
Zetsu: I doubt it.  
Leader: deep sigh Oh well, I guess we can't help it now. But seriously Kisame, ever heard of a condom?!  
Kisame: splutters Would YOU ever expect this to happen?  
Leader: I suppose not ...

Deidara: What do you think he's dreaming about, un?  
Sasori: Something that involves not being pregnant, I'm sure.  
Deidara: hovering over Uchiha Maybe we should wake him up and see?  
Sasori: I wouldn't do that.  
Deidara: Why not, un?  
Sasori: Because he's going to be upset.  
Deidara: Why, un?  
Sasori:'duh' look Because he wasn't expecting to be told that he's pregnant today.  
Deidara: So, how did he STAY pregnant?  
Sasori: Deidara, I'm not going to explain male pregnancy to you. Wait until Itachi wakes up and ask him.  
Deidara: evil grin, reaches toward Itachi  
Sasori: And DON'T WAKE HIM UP.  
Deidara: But danna!  
Sasori: Think of something else.  
Deidara: pout Okay...where did Hidan go?

In the Next Room:  
Hidan: ...And then they told me that ITACHI is pregnant now too! Are you listening, Kakuzu? Now we have TWO babies coming.  
Kakuzu: groggy Wait a second...Itachi's the one pregnant now?  
Hidan: Yep. I wonder what religion Itachi is going to want to raise him as?  
Kakuzu: grumble I wonder if he's going to raise it at all...  
Hidan: glare What was that?  
Kakuzu: Nothing, Hidan. So how did he react?  
Hidan: Actually, I think he fainted.  
Kakuzu: ITACHI fainted?  
Hidan: He's still sleeping now.  
Kakuzu: You didn't leave him alone, did you?  
Hidan: Of course not. Why?  
Kakuzu: ...no reason.

Sasori: He probably went to get Kakuzu.  
Deidara: Aah, I'm boooored Danna. Tell me about male pregnancy!  
Sasori: No.  
Deidara: But I wanna-  
Sasori: No.  
Deidara: Come on danna-  
Sasori: NO.  
Deidara: But I want a baby, un!  
Sasori: HELL NO!  
Deidara: Aww ...  
Sasori: Look ... it's enough with 2 being born soon.  
Deidara: But how would a guy get pregnant, un? They don't have the ... stuff inside them do they, un?  
Sasori: No they don't, but if you tweaked the circumstances ...  
Deidara: Like, un?  
Sasori: sigh like using a jutsu to make your body like a girl's.  
Deidara: And ITACHI did that? looks over at the Uchiha no way, un!  
Sasori: Not intentionally, I bet.  
(Hidan comes back in with Kakuzu with him)  
Hidan: Hey! Itachi woken up yet?  
Deidara: No, he's still sleeping ...  
(all look at him before going over to the bed to crowd around it)  
Sasori: I feel sorry for him.  
Hidan: He looks so much more peaceful when he's sleeping doesn't he?  
Kakuzu: I think everyone does.  
Deidara: I wonder what his baby's going to look like, un?  
(They all look at each other)  
Hidan: I hope it has Itachi's looks.  
Everyone: Agreed.

Elsewhere:  
Leader-sama: So, who is going to take of the babies while you are out on missions?  
Zetsu: ...  
Kisame: Maybe ... Tobi?  
Zetsu: He might do it.  
Leader-sama: That's an option. Well, at least we have a couple of recruits in case we need them walks off pondering Dismissed.  
Kisame: walks back to Sasori's room I hope Itachi doesn't kill me for this ...

A Few Hours Later:  
Sasori: talking to Kisame in the hall So, how did he take the news after he woke up?  
Kisame: Honestly, I don't know.  
Itachi: visible through open bedroom doorway, laying on his bed staring at the ceiling  
Sasori: He's probably still in shock. His body isn't exactly designed for childbearing.  
Kisame: Still, he hasn't said much since he woke up. I'm starting to get worried.  
Sasori: It's probably just a little harder for him to digest the idea. He's the one that has the baby inside him after all.  
Kisame: Still...  
Sasori: Stop worrying, he'll be fine.  
both stop when springs squeal from inside Itachi and Kisame's bedroom  
Itachi: Kisame?  
Kisame: leaving Sasori to peeking into the room Yes, Itachi?  
Itachi: siting on bed with his hand cupping his swollen belly ...I think I want ice cream.  
Kisame: Okay...  
Itachi: With sprinkles.  
Kisame: blink Sure, I'll get that. starts to leave  
Itachi: And French fries too!  
Kisame: in the hall Okay, I'll make sure to pick those up too.  
Itachi: And  
Kisame: stops Do you just want to come with me?  
Itachi: grumble No.  
Deidara: calling from inside HIS room Can I have ice cream too?  
Sasori: No.  
Deidara: But dannaaa!  
Sasori: No, once you have ice cream, you're completely useless for the rest of the day.  
Deidara: But were not even on a mission!  
Sasori: That doesn't matter.  
Deidara: That's not fair!  
Sasori: It's practical. Remember that time you tried to blow up a woman's hat after I gave you  
Deidara: Danna!  
Sasori: You can have ice cream later.  
Deidara: But Kisame's leaving now, um! Right Kisame?...Kisame?  
Kisame: has already left

Half an hour later:

Kisame: There ya go, sits on the bed and hands Itachi the ice cream with sprinkles and French fries  
Itachi: takes them and eats them by dipping the chips in the ice cream  
Kisame: O.o ... Um ... Itachi?  
Itachi: Mm? finishes the cone off happily  
Kisame: Are you ... okay?  
Itachi: ... looks away and putting a hand to his belly This is very strange ...  
Kisame: I'm sorry ...  
Itachi: shakes head No, we both didn't ever expect this to happen. And ... I don't think you wanted to do this to me.  
Kisame: No! Of course not!  
Itachi: looks over Then that's fine. We'll just have to deal with this as it comes.  
Kisame: smiles slightly and nods You're taking this very well.  
Itachi: shrugs I always wanted to revive my clan anyway. I just didn't expect it to be _quite_ like this.  
Kisame: chuckles Well then, it looks like we're going to have an interesting time, these next few months ...  
Itachi: Ah ... moves hand over stomach  
Kisame: ... slowly puts his hand on top of Itachi's Um ...  
Itachi: looks over with an unreadable expression, but takes hand away and lets Kisame touch his belly  
Kisame: rubs This really is amazing though ...  
Itachi: I'm glad you think so.  
Kisame: looks up I'll make sure to help as much as I can, okay?  
Itachi: small smile, nods

Next room:  
Sasori: Really Deidara, you're already trying to master _that_?  
Deidara: reading a knitting book But you're supposed to knit things for babies, un!  
Sasori: sigh When will you ever grow up?  
Deidara: Un?  
Sasori: ...

Deidara: Stop being negative, and help me cast off, un!  
Sasori: "Cast off?"  
Deidara: I'm going to start making a scarf for the baby, un!  
Sasori: Why would a baby need a scarf HERE?  
Deidara: Because he's cold, of course!  
Sasori: We're in the River Country, Deidara. I don't think it will really get that cold stops when he gets a Stop Being Negative or You're Sleeping in the Hall look...sigh What do you want me to do?  
Deidara: beams Sit next to me and hold out your hands, un!

In the Leader's Office:  
Knock, knock, knock  
Leader-sama: Enter.  
Kakuzu and Hidan come in  
Kakuzu: You wanted to see us, sir?  
Leader-sama: Yes. I know it's the off season, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut your vacation short  
Hidan: We have a mission already?  
Leader-sama: Sort of.  
Kakuzu: ...?  
Leader-sama: A friend of mine living in the Sea Country recently sent me a message telling about a certain jutsu scroll he received recently that I think might be able to help us with our current situation.  
Kakuzu: And our mission is to...?  
Leader-sama: You are to go to the Sea Country and borrow that scroll from my acquaintance.  
Kakuzu: So, you want us to cut our vacation short so that we can run off and be your...messenger boys?  
Hidan: elbows Kakuzu's stomach  
Kakuzu: gives a 'What?' glare  
Leader-sama: Well, if you don't want the mission, you don't have to go. But that jutsu would have been able to help us speed up the development of Itachi and Zetsu's babies. The Akatsuki doesn't have the funds to support two children through infancy. What with clothes, and food, and diapers... But I suppose we can manage, with a few SALARY REDUCTIONS.  
Kakuzu: ...Damn. --  
Leader-sama: smirk See you in a few weeks.

Sasori: Holds out hands  
Deidara: shows him what to do, and eventually, Sasori holds a small scarf  
Sasori: Woah ... holds it up you did this all by yourself?  
Deidara: Yup, un!  
Sasori: Huh, you're not so dumb after all ...  
Deidara: That's mean, Sasori-danna, un!  
Sasori: Well, it's the truth isn't it?  
Deidara: Just because of how I look doesn't mean I'm dumb!  
Sasori: Fair enough, Mr. I-didn't-have-a-clue-about-gay-sex.  
Deidara: sniffles you're so mean ...  
Sasori: satisfied now, how do you knit anyway?  
Deidara: Hmph! I'm not telling you, un.

On the mission:  
Hidan: Ne, Kakuzu, are you starting to think this is getting to be more trouble than it's worth?  
Kakuzu: What is?  
Hidan: The whole thing about having two children running around! Going to the sea country ... it's troublesome!  
Kakuzu: And you didn't think of this when you told Zetsu to impregnate himself?  
Hidan: sigh I guess not ... still, It'll be so fun to watch Itachi in labour snickers  
Kakuzu: O.O! You seriously think Itachi would let you watch something like that?  
Hidan: evil grin Well, I can get Leader-sama to do his Video-camera no jutsu and watch like that  
Kakuzu: ...baka.

Three Months Later:  
Itachi: Kisame?  
Kisame: is asleep  
Itachi: Kisame! shakes shark nin's shoulder  
Kisame: Hmm...Itachi? What time is-  
Itachi: Do you still find me attractive?  
Kisame: O.O ...Of course I do. Is everything alright?  
Itachi: Your baby won't let me sleep.  
Kisame: Ah, I see... glances over at the bedside table on his side It's three in the morning! Have you been awake all night?  
Itachi: On and off. I think it's nocturnal.  
Kisame: sits up and scoots closer to his weasel One of these days we have to ask Zetsu how he deals with this.  
Itachi: snort Zetsu's baby is a freak that doesn't twist or kick or make him have to use the bathroom at odd hours. ( -- mood swings and frustrating sleeping hours are making him snappy...er than usual)  
Kisame: Where is he kicking?  
Itachi: takes Kisame's hand and slides it over his stomach to a spot under his bellybutton I think it's trying to punch a hole through me.  
Kisame: It feels like he's stopped.  
Itachi: Hm, just wait. The second you go back to sleep, he'll start doing it again.  
Kisame: wraps his remaining arm around Itachi's waist and pulls him closer I'll stay up with you then.  
Itachi: head dropping to Kisame's shoulder You better.

Meanwhile:  
Tobi: Zetsu-san?  
Zetsu: Yes, Tobi?  
Tobi: I thought I heard something, are you alright?  
Zetsu: I'm fine, Tobi.  
Tobi: Okay...are you sure?  
Zetsu: still laying bed Mm-hmm.  
Tobi: ...Not hungry, or achy, or anything?  
Zetsu: No.  
Tobi: ...Is the baby okay?  
Zetsu: yawning Baby's asleep, Tobi.  
Tobi: Oh...okay, then.  
Zetsu: rolls over and nuzzles his pillow to making himself comfortable  
Tobi: still standing in the doorway Uh, Zetsu...?  
Zetsu: Hmm...what is it, Tobi?  
Tobi: Um, can I sleep with you?  
Zetsu: Good ahead.

4 MORE months later:

Itachi: holding stomach with a wince Ouch ...  
Kisame: looks over Itachi? You okay?  
Itachi: Yeah ... it kicked again.  
Kisame: walks over and puts a hand on his partner's large stomach Heh, I think he's going to be strong, no?  
Itachi: Considering the amount of times he tried to punch a hole though me, then yes, I'd hope so.  
Kisame: chuckles Well, it's almost over, isn't it?  
Itachi: Nearly.  
Kisame: nods  
(A few hours later)  
Itachi: gasps, then doubles over  
Kisame: Itachi! runs over and then puts a hand on his back What's wrong?!  
Itachi: opens one eye I think ... its-aah! winces again  
Kisame: Quickly, transform, it'll make some of the pain go.  
Itachi: trembling slightly, holds up hand, and transforms part of his body into a female's Okay ...  
Kisame: We need to get you into the room Leader-sama set up carefully picks his partner up Lets go!  
Itachi: grabs Kisame to glare, but winces again, and decides not to comment

Meanwhile:  
Hidan: Hey Kakuzu! Quick!  
Kakuzu: What is it now?  
Hidan: Itachi is in labour! Come on, lets go help him out!  
Kakuzu: Do we have to, it's bound to be really weird.  
Hidan: Come ON! grabs him and drags him along  
(They pass Sasori and Deidara, who join in)

Zetu's room:  
Tobi: Zetsu? How long now?  
Zetsu: It wont be long.  
Tobi: Should I make preparations?  
Zetsu: There is no need. I don't need all of that stuff like normal people.  
Tobi: O-okay, Zetsu-san ...

In the Hall:  
Sasori: walking a little faster to tap Hidan's shoulder What's happening?  
Hidan: Itachi's water broke!  
Deidara: Un? How does that...work for a guy, un?  
Sasori: ignoring Deidara Has anyone told Leader-sama?  
Hidan: ...Someone should probably do that.  
Sasori: You go tell him, Deidara and I will go help him.  
Hidan: Why do you get to go with Itachi?  
Deidara: Because he's the doctor, un!  
Hidan: He's a puppet maker.  
Deidara: Close enough!  
Kakuzu: stops, turns, and pulls on Hidan's jacket Come on, lets just go.  
Hidan: grumbles, but complies  
(Both start down the hallway in the opposite direction and pass Tobi)  
Tobi: What's going on?  
Hidan: Itachi's in labor.  
Tobi: gaps as Hidan and Kakuzu disappear down the hall, then turns and runs into his bedroom Zetsu!!

Elsewhere:  
Itachi: grimacing Oh god...!  
Kisame: What's happening?  
Itachi: clutching his stomach It's trying to...kill...grits teeth me!  
Sasori: to Kisame Is he going to be able to hold that form through birth?  
Itachi: pained growl  
Kisame: I'm not sure. It's better to have him like this during the contractions though.  
Sasori: pulling up Itachi's shirt I might be able to cut the baby out.  
Kisame: I'm pretty sure Itachi would rather have it naturally.  
Sasori: stare You're talking about a MAN giving birth.  
Itachi: growl/pant Which one's faster?

In the halls:  
Tobi: Oh god oh god oh god! running towards Zetsu's room What if he's in pain?! What if he needs help! ZETSU-SAN!  
(Door opens)  
Tobi: stops Zetsu-san?  
Zetsu: Walks out holding a bundle in one arm Yes, Tobi?  
Tobi: O.O ... You've ... already ... had yours?!  
Zetsu: nod  
Tobi: peers into the towel to see a replica of Zetsu, except more feminine and no plant It's a girl?  
Zetsu: Yes.  
Tobi: Wow ... what are you going to call her?  
Zetsu: Hana.  
Tobi: Nice! We better go and see Itachi, maybe you can give him tips?  
Zetsu: I suppose he would be having troubles?  
Tobi: I think so.  
Tobi and Zetsu walk off

Leader's office:  
Hidan: Leader!  
Leader: Knock when you come in.  
Kakuzu: Itachi's in labour.  
Leader: I know. holds up video camera no jutsu screen I'll go now. It's probably better if everyone else stays clear. Itachi is bound to be aggravated.  
Hidan: O-okay ... disappointed

Elsewhere:  
(Sasori and Kisame look at each other)  
Kisa & Sas: Natural I think.  
Itachi: growls and winces As long ... as I get this ... damn-ah! brat out I don't care!  
Sasori: Okay then ... flipping though book It says here that you have to be dilated 10cm before you can start to push the baby out.  
Itachi: So how the hell ... far ... am I?!  
Voice: About 8cm. You've got 2cm to go.  
(Kisame & Sasori look to see Leader peering between Itachi's legs)  
Itachi: heat rises to face You PERVERT! kicks Leader-sama in the face  
Kisame: O.O!  
Leader: rubs nose Nice to know you appreciate the help. glares  
Kisame: I DONT think Itachi is used to something like this, you know!  
Itachi: Just get it ou-AAAH! trembles as contraction hits and he grabs Kisame's hand  
Sasori: Itachi, just try to relax as much as possible, alright?  
Itachi: nearly breaking Kisame's fingers Nnn-fine! If it'll end this sooner!  
Kisame: trying not to wince in pain

In the Hall:  
Hidan: ...it's just not fair! Deidara and Sasori get to see the birthing, and Sasori wasn't even interested in it until Deidara kicked him into caring! Why can't Leader-sama make HIM stay away?  
Kakuzu: Sasori has a better knowledge of the human body than you do, Leader-sama probably thought that he was a more practical choice  
Hidan: But DEIDARA is still in there  
Farther down the hall: Un?  
Hidan: stops Deidara?  
Deidara: Hi, un!  
Hidan: What are you doing out here?  
Deidara: pout Leader-sama kicked me out when he arrive, un! He said I might make Itachi nervous!  
Hidan: What? Why would you do that...?  
Deidara: That's what I said!  
Kakuzu: not listening to the others as he keeps walking down the hall

Meanwhile:  
Itachi: How much longer is this going to take?!  
Sasori: Patience, Itachi. You're still not at 10 cm yet.  
Itachi: growls and clutches Kisame's now faintly purple hand  
Kisame: mouths the word "Owch" over his partner's head toward Sasori  
Zetsu: behind Kisame How is he feeling?  
Kisame: jumps When did you...? glances toward the floor behind him, where Zetsu's are just finishing stepping out of the ground Never mind.  
Itachi: Where did your baby bump go?  
Zetsu: Tobi's watching her.  
Itachi: YOU ALREADY HAD IT?!  
Zetsu: Yes.  
Itachi: Wh-when...AHH!  
Sasori: He's almost there now. peering between Itachi's legs  
Zetsu: Hm. comes to take a look  
Itachi: Yes, let's all look at my vagina! growl

In the Hall:  
Hidan: Hmmm, oh well, I guess we'll have to wait until it's born before we can see it.  
Deidara: I wonder what it'll look like ...?  
Kakuzu: suddenly puts hand over mouth MPH!  
Hidan: Kakuzu?  
Kakuzu: I ... don't want to know ...  
Deidara: Hey! Kisame isn't that bad looking you know!  
Hidan: I bet he was really cute as a kid  
Deidara: Hehe, I think so too!  
Kakuzu: ... you two are loonies ...

Meanwhile:  
Zetsu: Okay, Itachi, I need you to take a deep breath.  
Itachi: What?! Why would I-  
Zetsu: It'll make this easier.  
Kisame: stroking Itachi's hand Just try it, okay?  
Itachi: glares ... takes a deep breath  
Zetsu: Now let it out slowly.  
Itachi: does so, and feels the pain ebb a bit ...  
Zetsu: Just try and relax as much as possible, and then concentrate on pushing the baby out.  
Itachi: tries this Nn ... grabs Kisame's hand as another contraction ripples though his body, though not as painful Okay, what next?  
Sasori: You're at 10cm now.  
Kisame: Wow, what a difference!  
Zetsu: At the next contraction, start to push it out.  
Itachi: Okay. waits for a moment before it hits, then starts to push  
Sasori: I can see a head!  
Itachi: Ngh! Now what? pant  
Zetsu: When the next contraction hits, push again. Repeat until the baby is out.  
Itachi: nods

Outside the Birthing Room:  
Deidara: So un, if he looks more like Itachi, you do my share of the dishes, right?  
Hidan: And if he looks more like Kisame, you clean the toilets for me.  
Kakuzu: You're betting on it?  
Hidan: Why not? I hate that job.  
Deidara: Me too. Soap tastes awful, un.  
Kakuzu: looking at Hidan Are you even allowed to gamble?  
Hidan: glares  
Voice: AHHH!!  
Deidara: jumping up Was that it?!  
Kakuzu: No. grumble It came from down the hall.  
(All look down the hall to see Tobi running toward them)  
Tobi: hysterical She bit me! She actually BIT me!  
Deidara: What?  
Tobi: waves one hand in the air I was just playing with Zetsu's daughter, and then suddenly she gabbed my hand a BIT me! Look, she got through my glove!  
Hidan: Zetsu's already had his baby?  
Tobi: Yeah. catching his breath from running down the hallway screaming She's down the hall.  
Deidara: YOU LEFT AN INFANT ALONE?!  
Tobi: I'm bleeding!  
Deidara: She might fall off something! Un, or smother herself! D:  
Tobi: But  
Hidan: Kakuzu, go watch Zetsu's baby.  
Kakuzu: No.  
Hidan: Kakky, you heard Deidara, she might hurt herself!  
Kakuzu: Then you go.  
Hidan: But you're not doing anything!  
Kakuzu: Neither are you.  
(Door opens behind them)  
Zetsu: Leader-sama wants to know why you are all yelling at each other out here.  
Tobi: elbowing past Hidan and Deidara Zetsu! Hana just tried to bite off my finger! Look!  
Zetsu: blinks slowly, grabs Tobi's hand, and pulls off the glove to examine it; licks the blood You're going to need thicker gloves. It tastes good.  
Tobi: Z...Z... gaps  
Sasori: from inside the room Zetsu! It's happening, close the door!  
Itachi: Ahh, ahh...!  
Zetsu: turns around and starts back inside, closing the door behind him Hold your breath, Itachi.  
(Door closes)  
Deidara: Un, well...I guess we'll see the baby soon then.  
Hidan: Yeah... turns to Tobi So, what do you think the baby will look like?  
Tobi: ...Zetsu-san said I taste good. grinning idiotically under his mask

In the room:  
Zetsu: Okay Itachi, push as hard as you can.  
Itachi: Nnnaaah! pushes as hard as he can  
Kisame: cringes as Itachi almost breaks his fingers  
Sasori: Two more pushes should do it!  
Itachi: pants a bit, then pushes again Hhn!   
Zetsu: Here we go, peers between Itachi's legs again almost there.  
Kisame: How much more now?  
Sasori: Just one to go.  
Itachi: nods, then pushes one last time Aaah!  
Zetsu: He's out!  
Sasori: goes about cutting the umbilical cord and wrapping the baby up  
Itachi: flops against the pillow, letting the henge go and going limp  
Kisame: Itachi? wipes his forehead with a cloth  
Itachi: Looks over with half closed eyes  
Kisame: now holding the bundle Sasori gave him Do you want to hold him?  
Itachi: ...looks over Mm .. okay takes the bundle Woah ...  
(Baby has nearly black hair with pale skin like Itachi's, and Itachi's eyes, but Kisame's gills and obvious strength.)  
Kisame: can't hide his grin As unexpected as this is, I think I could get used to it.  
Itachi: I just want to sleep ... brushes a lock of hair out of the baby's face But I suppose he needs a name.  
Kisame: Have you got one in mind?  
Itachi: nod Akasahi. (_Meaning red rising sun_)  
Kisame: wide grin Sounds good!

Outside:  
Hidan: Do you think he's given birth yet?  
Kakuzu: I don't know. I doubt I want to go in there yet anyway.  
Deidara: I hope so!  
Hidan: Kyaa! I hope it's a cute baby!  
Deidara: I nominate you as the uncle, un!  
Tobi: I'm already an uncle. Kind of.

In the Hall:  
Deidara: Hey! Kakuzu, didn't we tell you to go watch Zetsu's baby?!  
Kakuzu: I never said I would do that.  
Hidan: pushing him down the hall Doesn't matter. Go.  
Kakuzu: grumbling What about Tobi?  
Tobi: BLEEDING!  
Deidara: pushing Tobi aside We'll send him down once danna takes a look at his hand, un.  
Hidan: Until then, make sure Zetsu's little girl doesn't hurt herself. makes shoo-ing motions  
Kakuzu: grudgingly starts walking down the hall, muttering to himself about lazy blonds who don't do anything

In the Birthing Room:  
(Sasori has Itachi's blanket folded over his midsection and is still examining Itachi now male lower body)  
Leader-sama: How is he?  
Sasori: It doesn't look like his body's emptying out anything extra out, but I would have preferred it if Itachi had kept up the henge a little longer.  
Zetsu: The act of giving birth would leave anyone drained.  
Kisame: looking over from beside Itachi's bed Was it painful when you did it?  
Zetsu: unblinking Incredibly.  
Itachi: AHH!  
Kisame: turning back quickly What?!  
Itachi: He has your teeth. holds up one finger with several pink, but not bleeding points around the tip, then nods toward Akasahi  
Leader-sama: He already has teeth?  
Zetsu: Some clans develop teeth before leaving the womb.  
Leader-sama: ...And of course, you would know.

In Zetsu's room:  
Kakuzu: grumble Bloody Hidan and Deidara. Why would they send ME of all people to look after a newborn? Rr.  
Hana: stares up at the new visitor  
Kakuzu: ...Okay kid. I aint changing your nappie or anything of the sort, so too bad if you need to.  
Hana: stares some more  
Kakuzu: And quit staring like that!  
Hana: starts to cry  
Kakuzu: Oh great... facepalm  
(_Nappie_ _is the Aussie term for a diaper, however it's spelt_)

In the hall:  
(Door opens and Leader looks out)  
Leader: You can come in now if you're quiet.  
Deidara: Okay, un.  
(Tobi, Hidan and Deidara enter. Itachi is resting while Kisame is nursing Akasahi)  
Kisame: looks up Hey!  
Deidara: Ooo! takes a peek Aww! He's so cute! And he looks more like Itachi! Haha, I win the bet, un!  
Hidan: smacks forehead Raa! I should've known!  
Kisame: You two bet on something like that?  
Deidara: Well, there was many possibilities on what he'd look like, so of course, un!  
Kisame: smirks heh. Fair enough.  
Akasahi: starts crying for food  
Kisame: Woah ... what now?!  
Sasori: He's probably hungry. Normally the mother would breast feed him, however ... looks at Itachi  
Everyone: ...  
Kisame: ... nudges Itachi Um, Itachi ...  
Itachi: opens eyes up What is it? tired  
Kisame: You, uh ... need to feed him ...  
Itachi: Eyes widen Y-you mean-?!  
Kisame: Uh, well ...  
Itachi: HELL NO! sits up and backs away  
(Everyone looks at each other)  
Zetsu: fixing Tobi's hand You could try feeding him by bottle. That's how I'll have to do it.  
Leader: Can you prepare one?  
Zetsu: Nods I'll do it now.  
Leader: I brought some milk power ... talks to Zetsu as they walk out  
Hidan: So what should we do with a crying baby?  
Deidara: Try to keep him quiet, un?  
Kisame: rocks him awkwardly Uh, I'm not good at this ...

In Zetsu's Room:  
Hidan: coming in from the hall Kakky, we only left you with her for a second!  
Kakuzu: blinks toward the door That was fast.  
Hidan: I've developed a innate sense of knowing when you're doing something wrong. walks to the bed and picks up the baby, who immediately stops crying in favor of staring at the new stranger  
Tobi: also stepping in from the hall Uh...actually, he was walking back.  
Hidan: And coming to see our newest little cannibal. snuggles the baby I don't know what you were getting so worked up over earlier, Tobi. She doesn't even have any teeth.  
Tobi: grumbling as he strokes his bandaged hand She did when I left.  
Kakuzu: So, when is Leader-sama going to use...THAT jutsu?  
Hidan: Tomorrow, maybe. It's probably better if we let the babies get their strength up before jumping ahead with it.  
Tobi: Excuse me?  
Hidan: Leader-sama is going to skip over Hana and Akasahi's infant stages.  
Kakuzu: Mainly for financial reasons.  
Tobi: Um...do Zetsu and Itachi know?  
Hidan and Kakuzu: exchange a look Um...

Down the Hall:  
Itachi: You're going to WHAT?!  
Leader-sama: Itachi, think about it! Can you imagine how impractical it is for a group of highly wanted criminals to be raising INFANTS?  
Itachi: You're talking about shaving years off my baby's life!  
Leader-sama: It's safer. You're going to be going out on missions again once you're recovered, and you can't very well take Akasahi with you.  
Kisame: But are you sure that the jutsu's safe?  
Leader-sama: Of course. My acquaintance is an expert medic-nin.  
Itachi: I still don't like this...  
Leader-sama: We can't afford to buy enough formula for two infants. It's either this or breast feeding.  
Deidara: standing on the other side of Itachi's bed, feeding Akasahi Un...he just bit through the nipple.  
Itachi: unconsciously crosses arms a little more protectively over his chest ...clears throat When exactly were you planning on preforming the jutsu?

Zetsu's room:  
Tobi: Someone might want to tell Zetsu-san about this. I don't know how he will react to this.  
Hidan: Now that I think on it, yeah ...  
Zetsu: walks in tell me what?  
Kakuzu: Uh ...  
Tobi: Leader-sama is planning on doing a rapid ageing jutsu on Hana and Akasahi. Did you know that?  
Zetsu: No, I didn't. I'll speak to him now. heads out  
(all sigh in relief)  
Hidan: He took that better than expected.  
Kakuzu: Thankfully. I doubt Itachi would be the same ...

Elsewhere:  
Leader: It will need to be preformed as soon as possible. It will age both of the children to the age of 5, and after that, they'll age more slowly until they reach 10, and after that, normally. Luckily, the jutsu imparts the education the child would normally receive at that age, but as for ninjutsu, that'll need to be taught.  
Kisame: I can see the reasoning behind it, but has it been tested?  
Leader: Yes. Several people have tried it in villages that are heavily threatened and produced great results.  
Itachi: glares I still don't like it.  
Zetsu: phazes in What is this about ageing Hana?  
Leader: As I explained, it will age the babies rapidly so they'll be at less risk while living here. I doubt either of you want them killed.  
Deidara: Un, if I might add, if we get attacked, then they wouldn't stand a chance.  
Itachi: grits teeth ...  
Kisame: Who will be preforming the jutsu?  
Leader: I will be.  
(everyone looks at him)  
Leader: I managed to master it with the help of my acquaintance's directions. It will be preformed tomorrow.  
Itachi: glares still If Akasahi is harmed, you will not live to tell the tale ... passes out  
Kisame: Itachi! looks over him  
Sasori: He's exhausted. It's probably best to let him rest.  
Kisame: Nods, then picks him up carefully I'll take him back to his room. It'll probably help.  
Deidara: I'll carry Akasahi, un! follows Kisame out

In Kisa n' Ita's Room:  
Deidara: So, just put him down anywhere, yeah?  
Kisame: laying Itachi down on his bed Sure, I'll pick him up in a minute. starts pulling back the blankets around Itachi  
Deidara: lingering by the baby So, un, is he going to be okay with what the Leader is planning?  
Kisame: now tucking Itachi in With the jutsu? Yeah. I'm not crazy about zipping through Akasahi's childhood, but it's more practical than having them grow up the normal way. Especially given who the...mother...is.  
Deidara: Un, didn't think about that.  
Kisame comes over to pick up Akasahi, Deidara meanwhile goes to examine Itachi  
Deidara: Un...what about recovery?  
Kisame: What about it?  
Deidara: How long do you think it's going to take him to go back to normal, un?  
Kisame: confused Normal?  
Deidara: pokes Itachi's chest That.  
Itachi: growls warningly in his sleep  
Kisame: What...? OH! Well, you already heard Itachi say he's not doing the breast feeding thing. The swelling should fade away in a week or two.  
Deidara: Won't it be painful, un?  
Kisame: I don't know. Maybe   
Deidara: I wonder what it tastes like, un!  
silence  
Akasahi: chews on Kisame's offered finger  
Kisame: Deidara...I think it's time for you to go to your own room.  
Deidara: Un?  
Kisame: Go on.  
Deidara: Awwie ... walks out  
Kisame: Phew ... smirks at Akasahi's teeth You've got a mean bite as well.  
Akasahi: chews happily  
(Kisame sits by Itachi's bed and strokes his hair)  
Kisame: Probably better if we all got some rest ...  
(Sets Akasahi in Itachi's arms and climbs into Itachi's bed to curl behind him)

Elsewhere:  
Zetsu: I agree with the ageing process, so long as it's a perfected jutsu.  
Leader: It is.  
Zetsu: nod Alright. phases out  
Leader: sigh  
Sasori: You honestly didn't think they'd be protective?  
Leader: Zetsu? Yes, Itachi? Not in a million years.  
Sasori: I guess he still has some humanity.  
Leader: From what I heard, him and Kisame have ... _bonded_ a bit over the past year.  
Sasori: I don't really want to think about it --;  
Leader: smirk And you lost your virginity to Deidara.  
Sasori: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Zetsu's room:  
Tobi: Now, Hana, don't bite me this time!  
Hana: giggles happily  
Tobi: glare I'm glad you're happy.  
Hidan: snickers Poor Tobi.  
Kakuzu: counting his money for entertainment

That Evening:  
Itachi: rolls over in his sleep and curls up around Kisame  
Kisame: Hmm...pulls Itachi closer  
Akasahi: left out and tries to reach after Itachi, but can't; starts crying  
Itachi: sits up, suddenly awake What's that?!  
Kisame: blinks Wha...? Hm, crying... rolls over and tries to go back to sleep  
Itachi: scoops up Akasahi I forgot he was there.  
Kisame: Me too. pause, still half asleep Is he okay?  
Itachi: Yes, I think he's hungry though.  
Kisame: Ah...  
Itachi: jabs him I need you to go get him some formula.  
Kisame: What?  
Itachi: Kisame, wake up!  
Kisame: nuzzling his pillow Hm?  
Itachi: kicks him

Meanwhile, in Zetsu's Room:  
Deidara: So Zetsu, un, don't you need to put Hana to bed?  
Tobi: siting with Deidara on Zetsu's bed with Hana between with them It's getting a little late for a baby.  
Zetsu: She'll be fine.  
Tobi: Aren't you tired? You just gave birth a few hours ago...  
Zetsu: No, I'm alright.  
Deidara: So, un, did it hurt?  
Zetsu: More than you can imagine.  
Tobi: pales under his mask  
Deidara: Oh. And are you recovered, un?  
Zetsu: Mostly.  
Deidara: What about breast milk, un?  
Tobi: O.O  
Zetsu: pats chest It will fade off after awhile. It wouldn't be a good idea to breastfeed Hana.  
Deidara: Why, un?  
Tobi: Because she's already tasted blood. glances at sinister baby girl  
Hana: giggles

KisaXIta's room:  
Kisame: Owww ...  
Itachi: Go get some! glare  
Kisame: Alright, alright ... gets out of bed and goes to find some  
Itachi: ... looking at Akasahi How ... am I supposed to look after you?  
Akasahi: snivelling but calming down  
Itachi: sighs and rocks Akasahi gently I'm not used to all this gentle stuff.  
Akasahi: calmed, begins to drop into a dose  
Itachi: ...strokes baby's cheek and smiles slightly  
(Kisame comes back in with a bottle and a container of formula)  
Kisame: smiles Aww, you two look sweet.  
Itachi: Huh?! cheeks show a tinge of pink I do not!  
Kisame: chuckles Sure you don't. sits the formula by the bed for easy access, and hands the bottle to Itachi There you go.  
Itachi: takes the bottle and pauses ...how?  
Kisame: Put a bit of milk on the teat and then he'll probably drink it.  
Itachi: How on Earth do you know that?  
Kisame: smirk I asked Leader.  
Itachi: ...I don't want to know now. lets Akasahi take the bottle and starts to feed him  
Kisame: watches them both and grins You really shouldn't deny that you two are sweet together.  
Itachi: hisses Shut it.

Zetsu's room:  
Deidara: Un ... will she be a carnivore like you, Zetsu?  
Zetsu: Yes. That is probably why she bit Tobi.  
Tobi: mutters I wish I had of known this beforehand.  
Deidara: Well, it's fairly obvious!  
Kakuzu: looks up Zetsu is the parent. Of course Hana's a carnivore!  
Deidara: True, un.  
Tobi: glares then sighs Are you trying to say I'm stupid?  
Zetsu: No, just oblivious.  
Tobi: TT

Later that Night:  
Deidara: Hey, danna!  
Sasori: is fixing an older puppet on his side of the room Yes, Deidara?  
Deidara: Have you seen Zetsu's baby yet? She's adorable, un!  
Sasori: still fiddling with his puppet No, I haven't seen her yet. Leader-sama has kept me busy coordinating everyone's mission schedule so he won't be left completely alone with the children.  
Deidara: We're going to get to babysit?  
Sasori: A few times, yes.  
Deidara: We're going to need gloves then, un.  
Sasori: Why do you say that? Akasahi's teeth are sharp, but he hasn't show any aggressive tendencies yet.  
Deidara: I didn't mean Akasahi, un.  
Sasori: Hana?  
Deidara: Yeah, un, she almost bit Tobi's finger off today!  
Sasori: Deidara, I believe we've already had the conversation about exaggeration.  
Deidara: It's true, Sasori! He came in to have it bandaged, remember?  
Sasori: I must have been busy.  
Deidara: What are you talking about? He was screaming like a pansy, un...

Across the Hall in Zetsu & Tobi's Room:  
Zetsu: Stretch I think I need to use the bathroom.  
Tobi: Do you feel nauseous?!  
Zetsu: No, I just need to use the bathroom.  
Tobi: Oh.  
Zetsu: Please watch Hana until I get back.  
Tobi: Okay...  
(Zetsu leaves)  
Tobi: So, Hana, how's your first day of life going?  
Hana: blinks up at Tobi, then reaches for him  
Tobi: Aw, you want to be picked up? Okay, just keep your mouth to yourself.  
Hana: giggles as she's picked up  
Tobi: So far so good. starts bouncing her gently Now, I wonder how long your daddy's going to be gone. He hasn't fed, or changed, or done anything for you yet. Maybe you're family's a little weird...  
Hana: gurgles up at him as she grabs onto one of his offered fingers  
Tobi: Careful with that.  
Knock, knock, knock.  
Tobi: goes to answer the door, carrying Hana with him  
Kisame: Evening, Tobi.  
Tobi: Hi, Kisame.  
Kisame: Sorry to bother you this late, but do you have any extra formula? Akasahi's already eaten through all ours.  
Tobi: Already?!  
Kisame: Yeah. ; Looks like he has a big appetite, that or he's trying to wear Itachi down to breast feeding him. Can he borrow any from you?  
Tobi: Sure. Wait here. turns to go get the formula We're probably going to have extra left over, actually. Hana doesn't really seem to be much of a...OW!!  
Kisame: What?  
Tobi: whirling around, still holding Hana on one arm but barely missing smacking her head against the wall SHE BIT ME! AGAIN!!  
Kisame: Again?  
Tobi: holding his hand in front of his face And this was my good hand too! She got me right on the joint! I can't bend it now! Look, LOOK!!  
Kisame: I'm sorry? starts backing away  
Tobi: TT And she doesn't even have teeth!

In Kisa and Ita's Room:  
Itachi: Did you get the formula?  
Kisame: It looks like we'll have to wait awhile. ; Tobi's kind of...worked up at the moment. .  
Itachi: But I don't want to put him to bed hungry...  
Kisame: Well, you can always try feeding him the normal way.  
Itachi: glares The word "normal" does not belong in this base at all.

Sas & Dei's room:  
Sasori: I still don't recall.  
Deidara: ... Danna.  
Sasori: ...what?  
Deidara: I think you're getting on in your years.  
Sasori: ...meaning?  
Deidara: jumps up YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS!!  
Sasori: O.o ... Deidara, I am not-  
Deidara: Oh no! What if he forgets that I'm his partner next?! Or that he's a puppet?! Or that-  
Sasori: DEIDARA!  
Deidara: ... Yes?  
Sasori: If I tell you I remember will you shut up?  
Deidara: Yes?  
Sasori: Then I remember. Now shutup and go to sleep.

Zetsu & Tobi's room:  
Zetsu: comes back Tobi? Are you alright?  
Tobi: sob Hana bit me again ;  
Zetsu: bandages it up for him Hana seems to like your blood.  
Tobi: glares at baby Yes, but I wish she wouldn't try to get a taste all the time.  
Zetsu: I'll feed her now. Picks Hana up And I still don't understand how she could bite you. Her teeth aren't even developed yet.  
Tobi: growls I bet she GROWS them, just to bite me.  
Zetsu: If you say so. prepares formula, and then sits with Hana to feed her Do you want to sleep?  
Tobi: blush Y-yeah, okay …

Kisa & Ita's room:  
Kisame: Well ... scratches head  
Itachi: ... sighs ... I'll give it a go, but that's IT.  
Kisame: Okay, want my help?  
Itachi: rock killing glare  
Kisame: ...I'llllll go and check on Tobi again ; walks out  
Itachi: (Okay ...) holds Akasahi up to his chest Uh, go ahead.  
(After much fiddling around, Akasahi is sucking contently)  
Itachi: ...well, this isn't SO bad, I guess, if a little tingly.  
Akasahi: bites lightly  
Itachi: cringe Be. Careful. Dammit!

In the Hall:  
Deidara: Hey, Kisame, un!  
Kisame: Deidara, what are you doing out here? It's late.  
Deidara: Sasori's working on something delicate, un. He asked me to find something to do out here.  
Kisame: Same here.  
Deidara: Un?  
Kisame: It's not important, Itachi just wants to be alone when Akasahi breast feeds.  
Deidara: cringe Ow.  
Kisame: Yeah, well, it's probably going to be the only time he does it. Tomorrow, and all  
From inside the room next door: No, no, no! You're not even trying to be nice! Do it again!  
Kisame: ...was that Hidan?  
Deidara:...Yeah.

Inside Hidan and Kakuzu's Room:  
Hidan: siting on his bed with a sock puppet over one hand Do it again!  
Kakuzu: also siting on the bed with a hand puppet Do we have to do this? I'm tired, I want to go to bed.  
Hidan: Yes we do! Tomorrow we're going to have children running around the base, and I won't have you emotionally scarring them.  
Kakuzu: grumble ...going to scar you if I don't get to bed soon.  
Hidan: What was that?  
Kakuzu: Nothing.  
Hidan: Alright then. Now let's start again. clears throat 'Hello there, Uncle Kakky!'  
Kakuzu: gives the sock puppet a What-the-hell-am-I-doing? stare Don't call me Kakky, damnit.  
Hidan: That's not what you're supposed to say.  
Kakuzu: ignoring him Where did you get these puppets anyway?  
Hidan: I raided Sasori's sock drawer, now can you please participate already?  
Kakuzu: This is completely foolish.  
Hidan: Par-tic-I-pate. glare  
Kakuzu: Fine. moves puppet 'Hi, I'm Kakuzu.'  
Hidan: happily acts the part 'He-hello mister ...'  
Kakuzu: ... sigh This isn't working.  
Hidan: facepalm Kakuzu, you are stupid.

Knock, knock, knock

Kakuzu: glares come in.  
Kisame: walks in with Deidara What in the world are you doing?  
Hidan: Teaching Kakuzu some manners before tomorrow.  
Deidara: With Sasori's sock puppets, un?  
Hidan: Yes!  
Everyone: ...  
Kisame: sigh I think its time we all went to sleep ... walks out  
Deidara: Sasori's gonna kill you, Hidan, un ...  
Kakuzu: turns to a faintly blue Hidan You DID realise that didn't you?  
(From the halls, there is a shout of bloody murder)

A little while later...

Ita & Kisa's room:  
Kisame: knocks Itachi? Are you done? Itachi?  
Itachi: Yeah, come in ...  
Kisame: walks in and walks over Are you alright?  
Itachi: lying on bed with Akasahi curled up in his arms Yeah, just really tired.  
Kisame: sits down I don't blame you. How is he doing?  
Itachi: Fine ... I think he's finally full.  
Kisame: Heh, unfortunately I think he inherited that from me. I've always had a big appetite.  
Itachi: glare You're lucky he didn't bite me, or I would kill you.  
Kisame: ; Sorry!


	4. The Akatsuki day care centre!

Part 4: The Akatsuki day care centre!

Next day:  
Leader: Okay, all set.  
(There is a massive blood painting on the ground of seals and spells)  
Leader: Okay, Itachi and Zetsu, you need to put the two in the middle. I'll take care of the rest.  
(Both do so)  
Leader: Ookay ... steps forward and starts to make seals

Itachi: He knows what he's doing, right?  
Kisame:glances over to Itachi If he manages to mess this up, then you can skin him alive, okay?  
Itachi: glare I hope you're not joking, because I'll do it.  
Kisame: snicker Of course not. We can make Akasahi jackets out of the skin.  
Sasori:hissing Be quiet, both of you, or I'LL turn you into puppets. Leader-sama needs to concentrate.  
Itachi: glares, but stays quiet  
(Sir Leader meanwhile executes the seals of the aging jutsu, and the blood paintings on the floor began to retract toward the two children as they grow larger  
Itachi: staring intently toward the children with Kisame's arm around his shoulders, keeping him from running out as soon as the blood seals fade  
Zetsu: standing on the opposite side the room, inclines his head to one side slightly  
Tobi: hissing beside him You're sure you're alright with this, Zetsu-san? Think of all you're going to miss! Hana's first word, her first steps, baby pictures!  
Zetsu: Tobi?  
Tobi: Yes?  
Zetsu: Leader-sama needs silence.  
Tobi: Oh...right. .  
Leader-sama: Okay, it's safe for you take your children back now.  
Tobi: FINALLY! races out to go pick up the now larger bundled blanket that is Hana (_because if they just set the kids out in their clothes, they would have ripped during the aging process, right?)_  
Itachi: rams him out of his way, having also made a dash for the kids after the jutsu was over One side, boyscout.  
Kisame: following behind at a slower pace Uh, sorry about that Tobi. ;  
Tobi: on the floor Ow...  
Itachi: scoops up the dark blue bundle and peels back the edge of the blanket  
Kisame: So how is he?

Elsewhere:  
Deidara: to Hidan You know there's something that's always bugged me about big sealing processes like this, un.  
Hidan: Whatever could that be?  
Deidara: toeing the formerly bloody floor Where does Leader-sama get all the blood, un?  
Hidan: Hm, actually, I don't know...  
Leader-sama: still standing in the middle of the room, tries to take one step and then collapses on the floor  
Hidan: LEADER-SAMA!  
Deidara: Oh, that's where, un.

Akasahi: looks up and grins Hi, mum!  
Itachi: jumps ...are you alright?  
Akasahi: Yes, I'm fine.  
Kisame: peers over Itachi's shoulder Woah ...  
Akasahi: Hi dad! ...Why are you staring at me?  
Itachi: lets out a sigh You're alright, that's good ...  
Kisame: Can you walk?  
Akasahi: I'll try wiggles out of Itachi's arms and takes a step, then another  
Itachi: It actually worked ... Thank god.  
Akasahi: Are you okay, mum?  
Kisame: Heh, he's just worried about you.  
Itachi: Glares

Tobi: Zetsu, is she okay?  
Zetsu: She is fine, see for yourself.  
Tobi: peers into blankets  
CRUNCH  
Tobi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHE BIT ME AGAIN!  
Hana: snickers I wanted to get your mask off, uncle Tobi.  
Tobi: That's no reason to bite me!  
Hana: I like your blood.  
Tobi: backs away

Hidan: Oh that's good. He just needs to rest for a bit.  
Deidara: Wow, but to think our leader would just fall over like that, un.  
Hidan: He's human, you know, and any human would pass out from that much blood loss.  
Deidara: ... poke  
Leader: grabs wrist  
Deidara: EEP! He's awake!  
Leader: Don't touch me, Deidara.  
Hidan: Do you need any help getting up, sir?  
Leader-sama: pulling himself into a siting position Get me a band-aid though. And something sugary.  
Deidara: Sugary?  
Leader-sama: gives the 'I'm-the-Leader-do-what-I-friggin'-say' look  
Hidan: I'll, uh, go get that for you, sir. walks off  
Deidara: What about me, un?  
Leader-sama: standing up and elevating one of his hands Why don't you go acquaint yourself with one of the children? You and Sasori are first up for babysitting.  
Deidara: Are you sure you're not going to fall over again, un?  
Leader-sama: shoos him away and walks off (hopefully Hidan will find him with that band-aid later)

Far Side of the Room:  
Itachi: cautiously monitoring Akasahi's progress around the room Not too fast, you're legs aren't used to walking yet.  
Akasahi: Don't worry mum, I'll be careful!  
Itachi: to Kisame: Why does he keep calling me that?  
Kisame: ...asks the man still lactating.  
Itachi: glares I mean it, we haven't even explained how the pregnancy worked!  
Kisame: snicker Leader-sama said that he would make sure Akasahi and Hana received the basic amount of knowledge for their age group, maybe he thought you would appreciate him taking care of that detail for you.  
Itachi: ...  
Kisame: Not happy being the mum?  
Itachi: I'm fine with it.  
Kisame: You're sulking.  
Itachi: Am not.  
Kisame: chuckling Y  
Deidara: Hi guys:D  
Kisame: Hello, Deidara.  
Deidara: How's your baby, un?  
Itachi: He thinks I'm a woman.  
Deidara: giggle  
Itachi: glares vehemently  
Deidara: Has he met Hana yet, un?  
Kisame: Hm...don't know, Leader-sama might have included that in his automatic knowledge.  
Deidara: Let's find out, un! turns around without waiting for approval HEY, ZETSU! COME OVER HERE!  
Zetsu: Yes?  
Deidara: Hana needs to meet Akasahi, un!  
Kisame: Now that you mention it, I don't think I've seen Hana yet.  
Zetsu: I think she's cornering Tobi.  
Itachi: Sounds charming.  
Deidara: I'll go get her! walks off to go save Tobi  
Kisame: to Zetsu I'm surprised that you're so accepting of Hana's...relationship to Tobi.  
Zetsu: So long as she gets her nutrition.  
Kisame: ...right.  
Deidara: Got her!  
Hana: Hi, dad.  
Zetsu: Hi, Hana. Wipe your mouth.  
(Deidara sets Hana down while Kisame goes to get Akasahi)  
Itachi: Where's Tobi?  
Deidara: He said he needed some alone time, un.  
Itachi: That's comforting...  
Kisame: comes back with Akasahi and puts him down in front of Hana Alright, Akasahi, this is Zetsu' daughter, Hana. Do you recognize her?  
Akasahi: blinks at Hana, then turns to stare at Itachi She smells like boyscout blood, mum...

Middle of room:  
Hidan: runs back Here's the bandaid and a pack of jelly beans, Leader-sama!  
Leader: takes them Thanks.  
Hidan: Why would you need sugary things, Leader-sama?  
Leader: eats the jelly beans Increase my sugar level, of course.

Far side of the room:  
Itachi: Just say hello. She won't eat you.  
Akasahi: Hello smiles  
Hana: Hiya! looks around Hey ...  
Akasahi: Yeah?  
Hana: whispers in his ear  
Akasahi: giggles that sounds fun! Hey, mum?  
Itachi: Yeah?  
Akasahi: Can I play tag with Hana and Tobi, pleaaaassssseee?  
Itachi: ... I don't think so.  
Akasahi: But MUM!!  
Itachi: You've only just come out of the jutsu. You can play tomorrow.  
Akasahi: Okay!  
Kisame: kneels So you're Hana! Hello :)  
Hana: Oooo you're a shark!  
Kisame: Part shark, yes.  
Hana: all round eyed as she looks over the stranger Wow! Do those gills work?  
Kisame: Yup!  
Hana: Woaaah!  
Akasahi: I've got gills too! points to his set  
Itachi: smirks You'll get something better in a couple of years.  
Akasahi: What's that?  
Itachi: shows him his Sharingun These. It's called the Sharingun.  
Akasahi: stares at his mum's eyes Wow, those are beautiful!  
Itachi: ...turns a little pink Y-you think so?  
Akasahi: Yeah! nods happily Mummy has pretty eyes   
Itachi: picks him up Thanks.  
Zetsu: Hana, time to go.  
Hana: Awie, okay dad.  
(They both head off with a frightened Tobi running ahead)  
Deidara: Aww, Hana is sweet, un!  
Kisame: Except when she tries to eat Tobi.  
Deidara: I'm sure Zetsu will train her.  
Kisame: Heh, I hope so, or Tobi's going to get eaten.  
Itachi: sigh Come on, Kisame.  
Akasahi: Yeah, I wanna play dad!  
Kisame: chuckles Coming.  
Itachi: Oh, and Akasahi?  
Akasahi: Yeah?  
Itachi: I think 'dad' needs to explain to you just how you were born. evil grin  
Akasahi: Wasn't I born normally?  
Kisame: pales and gapes at his partner  
Itachi: You'll see soon enough

Fifteen Minutes Later:  
(Kisame walks into his room)  
Itachi: Where's Akasahi?  
Kisame: In the bathroom. I thought it would be a good idea to wash him off, in case any of Leader-sama's blood wiped off on him.  
Itachi: He's in there alone:O  
Kisame: tsk Of course not, Tobi was in there recuperating, so I asked him to watch him while I went for a change of clothes.  
Itachi: Oh. Good.  
Kisame: chuckle Itachi, you're starting to look like the kind of mother who stalks her children on their way to school.  
Itachi: ...sulk I'm just concerned for him. This is a dangerous environment for a child.  
Kisame: Not that dangerous...so long as we're not being attacked. Everyone here is either a genius or prodigy at something  
Itachi: mutter Geniuses that can accidentally have Akasahi devoured, poisoned, or blown up. And just wait, Hidan's going to start going on about what religion to bring him up in. I can tell by his shifty eyes!  
Kisame: smothers another laugh Well, besides Hidan, my point is no one here is stupid enough to let anything happen to him and give you a reason to kill them.  
Itachi: I still like that skin-jacket idea. finally smiles at his partner _(well...much as Itachi DOES smile_), and changes the subject Have you explained things to Akasahi yet?  
Kisame: cough About that...don't you think that five is a little young to have THE talk?  
Itachi: How old where you when you started having sex, again?  
Kisame: ...well played.  
Itachi: smirk

In the Bathroom:  
Kisame: Hey, Tobi! How was he while I was gone?  
Tobi: Oh, Akasahi was fine! A relief, actually. It was nice to hold a child who didn't wonder how my blood would taste on ice cream.  
Kisame: awkward blink Um...that's good then...?  
Tobi: Oh, yes! starts stroking his hand as he walks away Yes, yes it was. Very good...  
Akasahi: Hi, Dad:D  
Kisame: is shaken out of momentarily contemplating Tobi's mental state Hey there, shrimp. Ready for your bath?  
Akasahi: Yeah! The tub's full, and uncle Tobi said that he could get me this special bubble stuff, but first he had to get it out of this guy's locker, and he said he would only do it if I promised not to tell, and NOW MY BATH SMELLS LIKE THE BLOND 'SPLODY MAN!  
Kisame: That's nice. starts taking Akasahi's clothes off and puts him in the tube  
Akasahi: happily dunks his head under the water, and comes up sputtering  
Kisame: chuckle You know, the suds from Deidara's bubble bath make it difficult to use you gills.  
Akasahi: Aw...!  
Kisame: Don't worry, you can always use them next time. cough Now then, your 'mum' wanted me to explain...something to you.  
Akasahi: Huh?  
Kisame: Well...I didn't count on this being the first conversation I had with you, son, but I guess it's kind of amusing. ; Now you see, when a man and a woman love each other very, very much...

Back in Kisa and Ita's Room:  
Knock, knock, knock  
Itachi: gets up to open his door Yes?  
Hidan: Good afternoon, Itachi!  
Itachi: ...Hello, Hidan.  
Hidan: I was just wondering, if you wouldn't mind me asking, with your son being in such a young and impressionable age, what are your plans for--  
SLAM!  
Itachi: walks back to what he was doing

Back in the Bathroom:  
Kisame: And in most cases, that's how babies are made.  
Akasahi: D:!  
Kisame: Any questions? Good. now how YOU were born was a little different. You see, when two SHINOBI love each other very much...

Zetsu and Tobi's Room:  
Knock, knock, knock.  
Zetsu: Yes?  
Hidan: Hello, Zetsu! I was just walking by, and I was wondering, with Hana being at such a young and impressionable age...  
Tobi: AHHHHH!! I think it's infected now! Zetsu! SAVE MY HAND!  
Hidan: And she seems to have such a natural gift for destruction, you see...

KisaXIta's room:  
Itachi: Hmm ... looking though some books on forbidden jutsu Well, that's unique.  
(Reads about a male pregnancy jutsu)  
Itachi: Guys who can get pregnant, intentionally. I wonder if they know how painful it would be.  
(hears laughing from the bathroom)  
Itachi: turns around Hm ...

Bathroom:  
Akasahi: Are you serious dad?! Mum really did that?! laughing  
Kisame: grinning Yep. The thing no one could figure out was how he stayed that way once he turned back into a guy. But the result is sitting right in front of me.  
Akasahi: So was that how Hana was made too?  
Kisame: Nope, she's a totally different matter as well.  
Akasahi: Oh, that would explain why she doesn't smell like the boyscout.  
Kisame: Y-You thought TOBI would-  
Akasahi: Tobi has a crush on the plant man. It's so easy to tell.  
Kisame: slaps forehead and laughs Gods, and here I was thinking Itachi was bad XD  
Akasahi: Mum was bad? blink  
Kisame: No, 'mum' had a crush on me.  
Akasahi: Really?  
Kisame: Yeah, amazin' huh?  
Akasahi: I guess ...  
(Itachi walks in)  
Itachi: What ARE you telling him?  
Kisame: What you asked me to, of course smirks  
Akasahi: Hi mum!  
ITachi: blink ... turns to Kisame then-  
Kisame: He likes calling you that, don't ya?  
Akasahi: Yup! Because mum is prettier than dad, so you should be the mum  
Itachi: ...sigh Alright then. Come on, lets get you dry and dressed.  
Akasahi: Okay!

Zetsu & Tobi's room:  
Hidan: ... so those are our rules! Think you can handle it, Hana?  
Hana: Um ... I don't think I like it much ...  
Hidan: looks like he got shot OH THE PAIN!!  
Hana: O.O  
Zetsu: I don't think she wants to be a part of Jashin.  
Tobi: Tough luck.  
Hidan: TT ... walks out, dejected  
Tobi: OW! My hand ...  
Zetsu: wrapping it up You need to be careful. Hana's teeth are sharp.  
Tobi: mutter If she didn't bite me so much then I wouldn't need to be grumble grumble grumble

Hidan & Kakuzu's room:  
Hidan: enters Why must I be cursed? Why, god, why?!  
Kakuzu: Why the melodramatics?  
Hidan: sniff Neither of the kids are interested in religion! What is it with children these days?!  
Kakuzu: Only idiots like you get involved in religon, Hidan.  
Hidan: ... That's it, no sex for a week.  
Kakuzu: O.O! ... That's harsh.  
Hidan: HMPH! turns around, strips RIGHT in front of Kakuzu's face and then heads to the shower  
Kakuzu: ...has unconsciously dropped his magazine ...damn you ... gets up to follow him...  
"Kakuzu! What are-!"  
BANG!  
grunt  
"Oooh ...okay okay ..."  
moan  
bump, bump, bump

On the Way Back to Kisa and Ita's Room:  
Akasahi: trotting alongside Itachi Hey, mum?  
Itachi: Hm?  
Akasahi: Did you ever have a crush on dad?  
Itachi: No.  
Akasahi: pause Are you sure?  
Itachi: Yes.  
Akasahi: But dad said  
Itachi: Are you sure that you heard correctly? glances sharply toward Kisame, walking on the other side of Akasahi  
Akasahi: He said that before I was born, you had a big  
Kisame: cough I...think I left something back in the lockerroom. I'm going to go get it now. . ; starts walking away  
Itachi: glares after him  
Akasahi: So, DID YOU, mum?  
Itachi: ...I'll tell you when you're older.  
Akasahi: Aw, but why not now?  
(Down the hall, Hidan and Kakuzu exit the bathroom)  
Akasahi: stares Mum, why are those guys cuddling?  
Itachi: glances back toward his comrades Because Hidan is very affectionate after...  
Akasahi: Sex?  
Itachi: Yes.  
Akasahi: So, is he going to have a baby now?  
Itachi: No, one of them would have had to turn into a woman in order for that to happen.  
Akasahi: blink Then how did they have sex?  
Itachi: That's a question for your father. stops, turns and calls down the hall Hidan?  
Hidan: Yes?  
Itachi: Watch Akasahi for me. starts walking down the hallway toward the bathroom again  
Hidan: ...okay? Itachi is already past him  
Kakuzu: Didn't he just come from the bathroom?  
Hidan: Must have left something. grabs Kakauzu's sleeve and hurries down the hall to catch up with Akasahi  
Hidan: Hey, little guy!  
Akasahi: How do boys have sex?  
Kakuzu: OO Leader-sama said he was five, right?  
Hidan: smiles at Akasahi and pulls out a notebook from inside his cloak Well you see, there are multiple positions that you can choose from...

In the Dormitory Hall:  
POUND, POUND, POUND!  
Sasori: turns away from adjusting his puppet with annoyance to answer the door What is it?  
Tobi: leaning on the door jam with a washcloth pressed to the side of his head S-Sasori?!I need you to do something for me.  
Sasori: ...Deidara didn't blow up your spare masks again, did he?  
Tobi: NO! I need you stitch something up for me.  
Sasori: But you haven't been assigned any missions, why would you?  
Tobi: takes away his washcloth She bit off my earlobe this time! It's gone! LOOK! There's a gapping wound where there should be a lobe:0  
Sasori: Are you SURE you're a shinobi? Hana's only five years old, and she's taken how many bites oout of you?  
Tobi: Please, can you just close the wound?  
Sasori: sigh All right, come in.   
Deidara: mixing clay on his own side of the room What's going on, un? Why are you taking out your first aid kit?  
Sasori: Hana bit a part of Tobi's ear off.  
Deidara: Ew.  
Sasori: And it just so happens that our medic is on a mission. takes out a long needle and sterilized thread that would usually be used for sticking up damaged human-puppets I don't have anything to numb you with, this will probably hurt.  
Tobi: Um, okay.  
Sasori: angles needle out of Tobi's sight I'm also not used to working with a conscious subject, so hold still.  
Tobi: O.O Um, well, if you think I can survive without tr AHHHH!!!!

Later:  
Hana: It wasn't me, uncle Tobi, I swear!  
Tobi: Hana, it's okay if you bit me. I really don't mind, just don't lie about it, okay?  
Zetsu: Actually, she's telling the truth. I bit you.  
Tobi: O.O!

Bathroom:  
Kisame: Oops, I guess I talk too much ;  
Voice: Kisame ...  
Kisame: freeze Uuh ... turns around slowly  
Itachi: evil grin on his face Now ... what was it you said about a crush to Akasahi?  
Kisame: Oh ... uh ...  
Itachi: steps closer So, why did you tell him?  
Kisame: stepping backwards Uuh ... gotta ... go ... NOW! starts running  
Itachi: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!

Crash  
bang  
snarl

Outside of Bathroom:  
Hidan: ...and so, that's how!  
Akasahi: O.O ...  
AAAAAHHH!!!  
Kakuzu: What do you think they are doing in there?  
Hidan: I don't think it sounds good ...  
(opens door)  
(Itachi is straddling Kisame and is holding his fist in the air)  
Itachi: smirks I know something that would be more suitable punishment than violence ... leans down and whispers in Kisame's ear how about no sex for a week?  
Kisame: O.O! Okay, I'll be good, I promise!  
Itachi: Okay ... smiles lightly Akasahi?  
Akasahi: Yeah?  
Itachi: Do you mind if uncle Hidan looks after you for the rest of the day?  
Akasahi: Yeah! It'll be fun!  
Itachi: Nods Hidan?  
Hidan: I can teach him some-  
Itachi: NOT religion. I will kill you.  
Hidan: But Itachi-  
Itachi: NO.  
Hidan: sigh alright already ...  
(closes door)  
Itachi: Now ... grins evilly at Kisame What should I do with my shark?

Saso and Dei's room:  
Sasori: Are Itachi and Kisame at it AGAIN?  
Deidara: They love each other, it's so obvious, un.  
Sasori: Yeah, but they should keep it to their room ;  
Deidara: Have YOU ever thought about trying it in new places, un?  
Sasori: turns pink Deidara! I am not that perverted!  
Deidara: Heeey ... slides over to him Wanna do it in the closet?  
Sasori: NO!!

Zetsu's room:  
Tobi: Y-you mean-? You too Zetsu-san?!  
Zetsu: ...  
Tobi: scared ... I-I don't mind that you l-like people that way, but just don't eat me!! Please!  
Zetsu: ... sigh alright ... I will not bite you anymore. Hana?  
Hana: Me neither, Uncle Tobi.  
Zetsu: Alright?  
Tobi: phew Okay ... thankyou ...

Back in the Hall Again:  
Hidan: Now, what should we do with you until your parents are done...interacting?  
Akasahi: I'm hungry, Uncle Hidan.  
Hidan: Okay, lunch then.  
Loud moan from the lockerroom  
Kakuzu: Better go now. .  
Hidan: Right. bends down and picks Akasahi up so that they could walk faster  
Akasahi: What?

Meanwhile:  
Tobi: outside the kitchen Come on, Hana, let's find you some non-bleeding foods to eat.  
Hana: Okay, Uncle Tobi.  
(They go in, and Tobi snatches up the first thing he sees on the counter  
Tobi: Alright, we'll start with this. It's called an apple.  
Hana: takes a bite ...Don't like it.  
Tobi: Um, okay. No apples. goes to open the fridge and paw through it's contents What else can we try...  
Hana: How about this? points to a plastic-wrapped package  
Tobi: No, that's a pound of hamburger meat. Maybe we can make that for dinner, but until then we should just try small things HANA, DON'T OPEN IT!  
Hana: has bitten through the plastic with her overdeveloped-carnivore teeth But I like it! licks her lips  
Tobi: But it's RAW!  
Hana: What's that?  
Tobi: It means it's been dead too long for you to lick the blood off the plastic. Here, maybe we can cook some of it  
Hana: But I like it now, it's cold and juicy!  
Tobi: But you'll get sick, and then Zetsu will get worried!  
Hana: pout

In the Bathroom:  
Deidara: pounding on the door from the hallway You guys! Open up! Sasori left his headache medicine in there, un!  
five second pause  
Deidara: I'll blow up the door!  
Sasori: more distantly No, you wont.  
Deidara: I'll pick the lock, un!  
Sasori: And the chain?  
Deidara: Um...  
Kisame: Maybe we should just slip Sasori's pill under the door?  
Itachi: Mmm...get up, and I'm only going to tackle from behind.  
Kisame: Fair enough. snuggle

10 minutes later:  
Kisame: Dude ... so that's what it's like ...  
Itachi: Heh ... I hope you're sore in the morning.  
Kisame: That's not nice!  
Itachi: smirk Then you're not nice to me everyday.  
Kisame: I make sure to pamper you, thanks.  
Itachi: Hn. gets up and hops into bath Well, get in.  
Kisame: ...gets in What are you-?  
Itachi: comes up behind him and washes his back  
Kisame: Oh ...

Hidan & Kakuzu's room:  
Akasahi: Woah, so this is your room?  
(Room is covered from everything religion related on one side, to the other being bare except a massive glass case holding a 1$ note from every shinobi country)  
Hidan: Yep! Kakuzu likes his side all bare and boring, but I like my colour points to the crimson walls  
Akasahi: Mum likes red too!  
Hidan: Aah, so we do have some common ground!  
Akasahi: Um ...  
Kakuzu: Hidan, stop torturing the child.  
Hidan: I am not! That's unfair!  
Kakuzu: Kid, I'll teach you how to invest your earnings the right way. It you would kindly-  
Hidan: Itachi said NO!

Back in Dei and Sas's room:  
Sasori: Aah, much better!  
Deidara: Um ... danna?  
Sasori: Yeah?  
Deidara: How were you able to eat those tablets when you don't have a stomach?  
Sasori: ...

Later:  
Deidara: About time you came out of the bathroom, un.  
Itachi: Hn. walks by without clear comment  
Kisame: Yeah, sorry about keeping it busy. Were the pills we passed out to you guys okay?  
Deidara: Fine. It turns out that danna doesn't have a stomach, un.  
Kisame: Then why did he...?  
Deidara: That's what I asked, un! I swear he's getting old, un, he's already forgetting that he's a puppet!  
Kisame: Uh...yeah... starts walking away  
Deidara: Kisame...are you limping, un?  
Kisame: stop, cough Sprained my ankle.  
Deidara: Right, un. turns around and walks back into his room, yelling, "Hey, Sasori! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHO'S BEEN TOPPED!"  
Kisame: ...  
Itachi: smirks from inside their bedroom

Back in the Kitchen:  
Hana: Uncle Tobi, I'm booooored!  
Tobi: We'll go somewhere else in just a minute, Hana! We can't leave until we clean up this mess you made of our pantry.  
Hana: You said you wanted me to try new things. defensive sulk  
Tobi: sigh We're almost done, we're almost missing one thing... grumbles as he picks up an torn plastic package I thought I told you that eating that hamburger meat was bad for you.  
Hana: I didn't eat it.  
Tobi: But then, points to places where the plastic was punctured who bit through this plastic?

Elsewhere:  
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan? My tummy hurts.

Deidara: Sasori! SASORI!!!  
Sasori: WHAT?!  
Deidara: Kisame got topped! Kisame got topped!  
Sasori: You sound like a broken record. And you say I- pauses did you say KISAME got topped?!  
Deidara: Yep! I can tell!  
Sasori: He must be on a ga-ga streak because he has a son now.  
Deidara: Um ... danna?  
Sasori: What?  
Deidara: What's a ga-ga streak?  
Sasori:...

Kitchen:  
Hana: Akasahi ate it.  
Tobi: AKASAHI?! How did he get in here?  
Hana: He snuck in when I was trying the new food!  
Tobi: I see ... still, he must have been fast ...  
Hana: Uncle Tobi?  
Tobi: Yes, Hana?  
Hana: I'm still hungry.  
Tobi: O.O

Hidan's room:  
Hidan: Your stomach hurts? What did you eat?  
Akasahi: I think it was called hamburger meat ...  
Hidan: ...don't tell me you ate it raw ...  
Akasahi: If you mean it was red, then yeah ..  
Hidan: O.O  
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan?  
Hidan: TT Itachi is going to murder me ...

Itachi: growl  
Kisame: Something wrong?  
Itachi: My killing instincts are going off.  
Kisame: Odd...I wonder why.

Hidan's Room:  
Hidan: Akasahi, if you were hungry you should have told me!  
Akasahi: Sorry...  
Kakuzu: walks in  
Hidan: Do you know what to do about salmonella?  
Kakauzu: Why?  
Hidan: Akasahi--  
Kakuzu: You let him eat raw meat?  
Hidan: I didn't "let" him, he did it one his own! What should I do? Itachi's gonna kill me if he see Akasahi throwing up!  
Kakuzu: Tell him "Good luck."  
Hidan: Kakuzu!  
Kakuzu: You can always cut him open.  
Hidan:...  
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan...? I think I want my mommy...

Kitchen:  
Tobi: rubs fingers nervously Okay...well, why don't we look in the fridge. Um...CHEESE! How about cheesy?  
Hana: Um...okay.  
Tobi: relieved sigh Good, let's see if you like it.

Itachi: glare Hidan better be looking after Akasahi, or ...  
Kisame: Do you think that's why ...?  
Itachi and Kisame look at each other  
Both: Oh shit.  
both head off

Elsewhere:  
Hidan: sweating hard Uuuh ... what are we going to do?!  
Kakuzu: Ask our medic?  
Hidan: Yoshi? (fake name, so kill me :P) I dunno ...  
Kakuzu: May as well.  
Hidan: Alright fine, I'll go get her. leaves  
Akasahi: Ugh ...  
Kakuzu: ... Dammit. Now I'm stuck here.

Kitchen:  
Hana: eats the cheese ... It's not bad ...  
Tobi: sighs in relief good, you like dairy food, now letssee ...  
Hana: But I like blood better.  
Tobi: O.O!!; .. Hana, please, I'll die if you keep trying to eat me, then there will be nothing left to eat, will there?  
Hana: I guess not.  
Tobi: So you need to eat normal foods too, okay?  
Hana: nods I'll try!  
Tobi: phew Now, lets try for some sweet foods ...

Hidan: GASP!  
Kakuzu: What is it?  
Hidan: My something's-gonna-kill-me instincts are going off.  
Akasahi: What?  
Hidan: Er-nothing. turns to Kakuzu I need you to go distract Itachi.  
Kakuzu: You think Itachi's going to come storming down the hall just because you suddenly got an urge to shudder?  
Hidan:glares Well, if you'd rather take care of  
Akasahi: ...Uncle Hidan?  
Hidan: Just a moment, Akasahi. I'm arguing with Uncle Kakky  
Kakuzu: Wait a minute, now you're teaching him to call me  
Hidan: But it's such an adorable name for you  
Akasahi: UNCLE HIDAN!!  
Hidan: Yes? There's no need to yell  
Akasahi: clutching his stomach I think I'm gonna...  
Hidan?  
Akasahi: BLEHH! keels over and vomits  
Hidan: O.O  
Kakuzu: ...I'll go distract Itachi. .

In the Hallway:  
Kisame: What's wrong now?  
Itachi: has stopped suddenly in the middle of the passageway ...I think I need a bigger weapon.  
Kisame: Excuse me?  
Itachi: Instinct. Hand me the Samehada.  
Kisame: Uh, I don't think you'll really be able to use it too wellHEY!  
Itachi: has gone behind Kisame and unstrapped the sword anyway Alright, let's go. starts stomping down the hall  
Kisame: gaps a minute at the sudden loss of sword Where did THAT come from? O.o

Hidan: OhshitOhshitOshit pats Akasahi on the back Okay ... get it all up!  
Akasahi: bleagh ...  
Hidan: Eep ...  
Akasahi: I don't like ... raw ... meat ...  
Hidan: I don't blame you.

Hallway:  
Kisame: Aren't you overreacting to this a little bit?  
Itachi: dragging Samehada along No.  
Kisame: You're going to damage my sword.  
Itachi: I will not! glare  
Kisame: sigh  
Kakuzu: Itachi?  
Itachi: What have you done to Akasahi?!  
Kakuzu: Nothing? ...Why are you carrying Samehada?  
Itachi: ...  
Kisame: ...Where's Hidan?  
Kakuzu: Putting Akasahi to bed for a nap.  
Itachi: thinking Why do I get the distinct impression I'm being lied to?

Inside Hidan's room  
Hidan: holding back Akasahi's hair At least it's in the bucket now.

Hidan's Room:  
door knocks  
"Hidan?"  
Hidan: Yoshi! gets up and runs to open the door Thank God!  
Yoshi: My someone's-gonna-get-killed senses were going off.  
Hidan: Right now you are the single most beautiful person in the world. :3  
Yoshi: ;  
Akasahi: Uncle Hidan? My mouth tastes bad now.  
Hidan: Just a second, Akasahi. to Yoshi Do you know what to do about salmonella?  
Yoshi: Well, how bad is it?  
Hidan: Er...  
Yoshi: Usually salmonella is classified by frequent vomiting, and in worse cases, diarrhea.  
Hidan: Well, at least he's not that  
Akasahi: O.O U-Uncle Hidan?  
Hidan: Yes?  
Akasahi: I...need to use your bathroom. .

In the Hallway:  
Itachi: Move.  
Kakuzu: Sorry, can't.  
Itachi: raises eyebrow  
Kakuzu: You'll wake the kid up.  
Kisame: winces for Kakuzu ("He is so going to die...")  
Itachi: raises sword I. Will.Not. Now, MOVE!  
Kakuzu: Excuse me for not being convinced...  
Itachi: What was that?  
Kakuzu: . 

Hidan's Room:  
Yoshi: Oh dear ... sighs  
Hidan: starting to panic You can heal him, can't you? If Itachi sees him--  
Akasahi: throws up again  
Yoshi: I can, but he needs to get all the raw meat up first before I can.  
Hidan: Er, how long will that take?  
Yoshi: Possibly an hour.  
Hidan: O.O!!!!  
(Yoshi and Hidan look at each other)  
Hidan: I'm going to die, aren't I?  
Yoshi: Yes you are.

In the Hallway:  
Itachi: death glare You seriously think I'd wake my own SON up?!  
Kakuzu: Well ...  
Itachi: raises sword  
Kisame: Oh shit palms face  
Itachi: swings sword down  
Kakuzu: holds up armsItachi: AAAAHHH!! drops sword  
Kisame: What happened?  
Itachi: It spiked me!!  
Kisame: --; I guess Samehada doesn't like you very much.  
Kakuzu: thinking 'I'm still alive ...?'

In the Hallway:  
Hana: from further down the hallways: Hey, Uncle Tobi! He just threw away his sword, can I have it now?  
Tobi: No, Hana--wait! Don't touch, you'll get hurt!  
Hana: running up the hallway Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hoshy-gaky.  
Itachi: growl  
Tobi: trudging wearily after the little girl; looks over the scene Um...are we interrupting something?  
Kakuzu: No.  
Itachi: Yes.  
Tobi: ...looks to Kisame for an unbiased answer  
Kisame: Everything's fine, Tobi.  
Tobi: Oh. Good. Um, I was looking for you actually. You see, I was in the kitchen, and I think that Akasahi might have accidentally gotten into some...well, hamburger meat.  
Kakuzu: O.O;  
Tobi: Raw hamburger meat, and I'm not sure, but I think--  
Kakuzu: Where'd Itachi go?!  
from down the hall: YOU POISONED MY BABY?!

Inside Room:  
Akasahi: I just got a weird feeling...Mom's gonna do...something... .  
Yoshi: Oh, isn't that cute? His instincts are starting up already.  
Hidan:...

In the Hallway:  
Kisame: picks up his sword and re-attaches it to himself Oh god ... Kakuzu? Is Hidan in your room?  
Kakuzu: Uh ... yes ...  
Kisame: Oh shit.  
Tobi: O.O Did ... I say something wrong?  
Kisame: Itachi is going to murder Hidan. hurries off  
Tobi: ...Oops.  
Hana: Um ... Uncle Tobi?  
Tobi: Yes?  
Hana: Why is Akasahi poisoned because he ate that yummy meat?  
Tobi: Uh ... ;;;  
Kakuzu: Tobi, that child is insane. runs after Kisame

Hidan's Room:  
Yoshi: What's that noise?  
Akasahi: It sounds like ... Mum.  
Hidan: O.O!!!!!   
Yoshi: You better hide-  
Itachi rips the door open, looking like a bat out of hell  
Itachi: HIIIIIDDDAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!  
Hidan: eeeeeppppp ...

several bloody minutes later

Hidan: sporting a black eye, several bruised limbs and a broken nose Owww ...  
Kisame: --; Itachi, you overdid it.  
Itachi: still seething HE TRIED TO KILL MY BABY!!  
Kisame: It was an honest accident.  
Itachi: snarl  
Yoshi: turns to Itachi Akasahi should be better soon, so you don't need to beat up anyone else I'll have to heal. continues working on Hidan's nose  
Akasahi: Woooww ... Mum, you're really scary and strong!!  
Itachi: growls

Sometime later...  
Leader: So you attacked Hidan over food poisoning?  
Itachi: growl  
Kisame: Hidan didn't really mention anything at first, we were...pretty worried about him. .  
Leader: raises eyebrow "We"?  
Kisame: Well, um...  
Akasahi: Daddy had to pull Mom off uncle Hidan before he DIED.  
Kisame: cough  
Leader: Ah, I see... looks toward Itachi And he's fine now?  
Akasahi: I feel great! The lady with the flower in her hair said that all the meat came up, and she doesn't even think I' going to have diy-ar-me poo... pronunciation problems  
Kisame: Yes, he's fine.  
Leader: And Hidan is...?  
Kisame: Being treated for the broken bones right now.  
Leader: You realize that even with Yoshi working on him, he's going to be resting for at least a few days?  
Kisame: wince Yeah.  
Leader: And that I needed him and Kakuzu out on a mission tonight?  
Itachi: He should have thought about that before he let Akasahi wonder off in the kitchen.  
Leader: annoyed vein pop Of course, Itachi. But even so, we can't afford to have this delay. I've been putting aside missions for as long as possible to accommodate your...circumstances, but now we have to get back to work.  
Kisame: exchanges "What?" look with Itachi: Sir?  
Leader: I want the tow of you ready to take Kakuzu and Hidan's mission tonight.  
Itachi: WHAT?  
Akasahi: being held by Itachi, winces  
Kisame: also startled Isn't it a bit too soon to go send us out? You know...glances toward Akasahi  
Leader: He'll be here when you get back. Now, go find pick someone to watch him for you while you're gone.  
Itachi: hiss  
Leader: That's final, now go.

Outside in Hallway:  
Itachi: snarling under his breath Sending me out on missions ... leaving Akasahi here ... growlsnarlgrowl  
Akasahi: being held by Kisame Um, dad ... looks worried  
Kisame: He'll be fine. But ...  
Akasahi: Dad?  
Kisame: sigh I guess it can't be helped. We need to find you a babysitter.  
Itachi freezes  
Akasahi: Oh, how long will you be gone?  
Kisame: Just for the night, by the looks of it. We just need to assassinate someone in the River country, so it shouldn't be too long.  
Akasahi: Woooow ... you and mum must be strong to be able to kill someone!  
Kisame: grins Two of the strongest in the world, son. Your mum IS the strongest.  
Itachi: grins to himself  
Akasahi: Woaaah ... does that mean I'll be strong someday?  
Kisame: I hope so But for now ... Itachi?  
Itachi: glares I don't want to leave him here with one of the others.  
Kisame: But we can't take him with us. He's only five.  
Itachi: snarls I know that! But ...  
Kisame: Let's leave him with Zetsu and Hana. Zetsu is a parent as well, surely he'll be reliable.  
Itachi: huff ...

Zetsu's room, 10 minutes later:  
Kisame: ... so could you look after him for the night?  
Zetsu: I guess. Hana?  
Hana: Yes?  
Zetsu: Do you want to play with Akasahi for a little while?  
Hana: Sure! Aka-chan, come on! grabs the boy's hand as they run down the hall  
Tobi: Wait a minute!! chases after them  
Zetsu: They'll be fine.  
Itachi: glares at everything ...

Hidan and Kakuzu's Room:  
Kakuzu: walks in So, how's your nose?  
Hidan: is feeling along it gingerly Healed. Yoshi took care of it for me before she left.  
Kakuzu: I just found out that Itachi and Kisame are taking over our mission.  
Hidan: What about Akasahi?!  
Kakuzu: shrug They'll probably be leaving him here. Oto's no place for a toddler.  
Hidan: Especially not Itachi's toddler. I wonder who Itachi chose...?  
Kakuzu: sigh Not you.  
Hidan: glare

Zet and Tobi's Room:  
Zetsu: grabs Tobi I think you've done enough today. Go lay down.  
Tobi: But what about the kids?  
Zetsu: I'll take care of it.  
Tobi: O.o But Zetsu-san, I don't think I've ever seen you try to take care for children.  
Zestu: I'll figure it out.  
Tobi: still looking uneasy O...key...  
Zetsu: I'll be fine.  
down the hall CRASH!  
Tobi: O.O!

Sasori and Deidara's room:  
Deidara: Un ... did you hear a crash just now?  
Sasori: Yeah, it was from the kitchen.  
Deidara: Maybe someone's cooking?  
Sasori: I wouldn't know, or care. goes back to his puppet  
Deidara: I'm gonna check it out, un! takes off  
Sasori: Wha- sees the door close ... dammit. Follows him

In the Kitchen:  
Hana: So you're saying your mum knows how to make cookies?  
Akasahi: Yeah! Daddy told me one time he woke up and mummy smelt like cookies, and mum told him that he had made some! (idea from 'Under the cobwebs' XD)  
Hana: Are cookies nice?  
Akasahi: I dunno, wanna make some?  
Hana: Alright, as long as I can add some blood.  
Akasahi: But ... cookies don't have blood in them.  
Hana: Dammit.  
Akasahi: Okay ... so lets grab this bowl ...  
(reaches up to grab the bowl on the bench, and it falls) CRASH!  
(A moment later, Zetsu phazes in)  
Zetsu: What are you doing?  
Akasahi: I wanna make cookies ... um ... Uncle plant-man.  
Zetsu: My name is Zetsu.  
Hana: Muuuummm! runs over Can you help us make cookies?  
Zetsu: Do you know the recipe?  
Akasahi: Mum said it was in a book around here somewhere.  
Zetsu: Okay .. picks up Akasahi and sits him on the bench I'll find it. You stay here.

Zetsu's room:  
Tobi: Oh ... I hope Zetsu is looking after them! I don't want Itachi to kill me!!!

Elsewhere:  
Kisame: looks over at his partner, who is very tense and not paying the slightest bit of attention to the guards they are supposed to be analysing hisses Itachi!!  
Itachi: jumps, then glares What?!  
Kisame: Come on, lets focus on the mission! Akasahi is fine!  
Itachi: ... fine glares

In the Kitchen  
Hana: whispered to Akasahi while Zetsu is hunting out the recipe book So where are your Mommy and Daddy?  
Akasahi: They went to go ass-sin-ate someone!  
Hana: Cook! pause What does "ass-sin-ate" mean?  
Akasahi: ...I dunno.  
Hana: Hey, Akasahi?  
Akasahi: Hm?  
Hana: straight faced Why do you have two parents?  
Akasahi: flustered like his dad Um...Well, you see...  
Hana: slow blink  
Zetsu: I found it-  
Hana: still blankly Dad, why don't I have a Mom?"  
Zetsu: unflustered You didn't need one.  
Hana: I want one though. Akasahi has one.  
Zetsu: Akasahi doesn't come from an asexual background.  
Sasori and Deidara come in  
Deidara: Is everything alright in here?  
Akasahi: Hi, Uncle Pretty-Man!  
Hana: still talking to Zetsu What does asexual mean?  
Zetsu: It means-  
Deidara: Don't talk about sex with a little girl, un!  
Zetsu: ...  
Sasori: ...  
Akasahi: I know about sex!  
Deidara: ...  
Tobi pokes his head in  
Tobi: Zetsu-san, I heard a crash. Did Hana break some-  
Zetsu: to Hana Tobi can be your mother.  
Hana: Yay!  
Tobi: What?!

Hana: Rushes to Tobi Hello mummy:D  
Tobi: Wha-? looks at Zetsu and blushes under his mask Uuh ... hello Hana ...  
Deidara: snickers

About 5 hours later:  
Itachi: walks down the corridors, very tired, and holding his arm, wincing every so often  
Kisame: Itachi?  
Itachi: sighs I'll be okay ... knocks on Zetsu's door  
Zetsu: opens Itachi. Akasahi is in your room. Tobi's watching him; he should be asleep.  
Itachi: nods, then walks to Kisame's and his room. Walks in  
Tobi is resting in his chair, but jolts up when Itachi walks in. Akasahi is in Itachi's bed, fast asleep. On the bedside table is a tray of cookies, two glasses of water and a note  
Tobi: Oh, you're back! I'll go now.  
Itachi: nods and Tobi walks past, seeming quite calm  
Kisame: Looks like no one threatened to eat him tonight smiles  
Itachi: Yeah ... finally relaxes, and goes over to the tray and picks up the note. Then he completely freezes  
Kisame: Itachi? goes over and looks at him Are you okay?  
Itachi: holding the note in stunned hands  
Kisame: frowns, and takes the note and reads in messy, childish writing:  
'me and Hana Hana and I made these with plant-man  
Zetsu and boy scout Tobi for you. I hope you  
like them!  
Aca Akasahi'  
Kisame: Aww, that's adorable! Itachi---er, Itachi?  
Itachi: attached himself with one arm to Kisame's cloak He wrote me a note! That's ...  
Kisame: grins at the irony Heh, you're becoming a really cute parent, Itachi  
Itachi: snaps head up and glares I am NOT!  
Kisame: Shhh! motions to bed  
Itachi: instantly shuts up  
Kisame: Come on, lets fix your arm, have something to eat and go to bed, okay?  
Itachi: But ... glances at his son  
Kisame: Come on, cute-mummy snickers  
Itachi: glares and gets out the bandages, handing them to his partner


End file.
